xenologer: (do not even)
Why is it that the people who most hate conflict are the ones who end up escalating conflict into apocalyptic fucking nightmares by FREAKING OUT whenever they aren't being treated like they're made of glass? This self-fulfilling thing is tiresome to watch.

Seriously, the more nervous someone is about conflict, the more nervous I am learning to be about them, because it's not the brash and overtly dickish cold motherfuckers who can get close enough to do really serious damage with their flailing. It's the weak. It's always the weak.

I get so tired of them.

Date: 2014-09-05 03:30 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] stardreamer
stardreamer: Meez headshot (Default)
This may be related to the way that the phrase, "I don't do drama," often seems to be code for, "Curtain's going UP!"

Date: 2014-09-05 05:30 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] elf
elf: Red & blue faces (Face Off)
I get flak for telling people I'm not conflict-averse. It's not so much that I like conflict, as that I believe it's sometimes inevitable, I prefer it to be open and acknowledged and have all the targets have a chance to participate and retaliate if they are so inspired. (Also, sometimes I like conflict; there are resolutions that don't see to be reachable any other way.)

I have also learned, especially through Pagan forums and email lists, that "I don't want conflict! Everyone should be polite and get along!" is code for "everyone should only discuss topics of interest to me, and agree with my base assumptions about those topics; we're allowed to have some disagreements about irrelevant details as long as we all accept that they are irrelevant."

So we can discuss whether chocolate or mint-chip is our favorite flavor of ice cream, but not whether ice cream is unhealthy for kids, and certainly not whether its display in tv-show birthday parties is an aspect of white American cultural dominance.

The interesting thing about the "No Conflict Allowed!" forum is that they're horribly susceptible to sneaky passive-aggressive attacks. Anything that's phrased in accordance with polite protocols and kept to academic-abstract tone is acceptable, regardless of how vicious it is. And most people in those forums, being terrified of consciously, deliberately taking part in "conflict," are unskilled at such verbal twists.

My time is too limited these days to spend it sporking the clueless, but it was one of my favorite hobbies.

Date: 2014-09-06 09:19 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] fatpie42.livejournal.com
Interesting. Is this a criticism of what are now being referred to as SJWs? (Social Justice Warriors) SJWs seems to be used as a negative term and how fair the criticism is will depend on the critic, but I do recognise certain cases where online commenters seem more petty in their criticisms and quicker to get into a self-righteous rage.

Any particular cases inspire you to write this post?

Date: 2014-09-16 08:46 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] virginia-fell.livejournal.com
I am comfortable identifying as a Social Justice Wendigo, after having been slapped with SJW a couple of times like it's supposed to shame me into being quiet.

The social justice peeps I have tend to be the ones most likely to see conflict as a thing that can be really productive and even healing for everybody involved as long as everyone keeps their wits and ethics about them, so no, this isn't directed at them. It came up when I participated in a thread about places I have left, and one major factor has been how people handle conflict.

I left one place after I mentioned that it makes me nervous when the only acceptable conflict resolution is to play political games and be hella passive aggressive until one party capitulates and drops whatever grievance was the beef this time, because those are difficult people for me to trust. A staffer replied that she is actually quite good at the games and definitely prefers them! It was kind of surreal (not to mention the fact that if someone says "I find people who do X to be untrustworthy" and your response is "Ah yeah I love X!" you are probably not the political mastermind you imagine yourself to be).

Date: 2014-09-16 11:53 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] fatpie42.livejournal.com
Ah yeah, apparently my grandmother had a very passive aggressive way of dealing with conflict. If she was upset about something, everyone would get the silent treatment. My parents were always particularly keen on making sure everything is discussed openly because they know how bad things can get when people hold it in and don't discuss their issues properly.

I'm not really sure how I feel about the SJW thing. On the one hand there are people on the internet who are vocal on important issues and will speak up about them. On the other hand, there seem to be people who think that everything is all about their social justice issue of choice and don't seem to be able to contextualise things properly.

But I wasn't thinking of SJW as a shaming term. More of an internet-user archetype. Sadly the rather more worrying archetype right now appears to be the MRAs who, on the internet, often seem to be libertarian atheists. It's nuts.

Never understood political passive aggressive games. I just want everyone to be honest with one another.

Date: 2014-09-06 12:22 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] veronica-rich.livejournal.com
I don't like conflict when for some reason I have to instigate it. (I don't like being fingered in conflict of course, who does, but I can handle a direct assault at me better than having to start one myself.)

Date: 2014-09-09 07:34 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
I also am very wary of people who dislike conflict. If you do it ethically, it's not a bad thing. I cant trust soneone who is going to freak out and maybe act unethically when we're in conflict.

Date: 2014-09-16 08:47 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] virginia-fell.livejournal.com
Conflict is one of those make-or-break moments for me in a friendship. If someone uses conflict as a time to reassure me that I don't have to keep them placated and content all the time in order to be treated ethically, I will trust them more than I did before.

Date: 2014-09-16 11:56 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] fatpie42.livejournal.com
Hmmm, I mean don't we all dislike conflict? I mean, none of us think it is 'pleasant', right?

But there's a difference between trying to avoid discussing a topic which causes conflict (which means the conflict is essentially always there, just never acknowledged) and trying to resolve a conflict BY discussing it.

Date: 2014-09-18 10:16 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
nah, I don't dislike conflict, it's hard but it can be very nourishing.

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