xenologer: (bye bye)
It is hard. Getting it? Hard.

Getting it is especially hard if you're like me have a lot of friends who are mentally ill or elsewise having problems that really should be the purview of an actual mental health professional. I have thought more than once in the last week that if mental health care were more widely accessible, my social circle would be cut in half.

I am feeling a little rantypants about it.

Seems like every social circle has at least one person who is the cheap substitute for a therapist for everybody else. There are several problems with being this person. The first is that people pretty much only talk to you when they want something.

They know that you won't offer advice unless they ask, so they will talk to you about everything because nobody else they know learned the trick to just listening. They also know that if you do offer advice, it'll be geared toward figuring out what they really want and not necessarily a specific thing that they should do because you want it. You are fairly reasonably familiar (even if not always from personal experience) with diverse relationship structures, and supportive of the innumerable array of orientations and gender identities, and so they'll never hear, "Well have you ever tried not being who you are?"

You see that, though? Those aren't the qualities of a friend. That is a résumé.

Read more... )
xenologer: (bye bye)
Great Pervocracy entry on escalation and de-escalation of conflict.
How much conflict there is in a relationship, or the seriousness of the conflict issues, are not predictors of whether there will be violence. The biggest predictor is the degree to which conflicts in the relationship escalate. (...)

De-escalation means bringing someone down from an irrational, emotionally hyperaroused, screamy-hitty state, but it does not mean appeasement. It can sometimes mean talking someone down by comforting and reassuring them, but that's far from the only method and it's only useful if they're just mildly agitated. If they're screaming or threatening violence, saying "honey please honey it's okay" is usually not the best way to de-escalate them. Setting firm limits is not just more empowering for the de-escalator; it's more effective.


This is a skill I have, but now that I'm an adult? I don't use it with the same person more than once or twice. If someone is up in the crazy tree and it's my responsibility to pull them down and keep things from getting ugly, now that I'm an adult and have some agency in my life? Nope. Screw it.

I've watched too much of this crap in my young life and been trapped in with too much of it, too. Tolerance = gone.

I think that is the thing that's hard about having these skills: knowing when it's okay to stop using them. Just because someone can de-escalate like a frigging conflict sorcerer doesn't mean that it should always be their job, and it certainly doesn't make it their fault when the other person doesn't dutifully submit to their wiles and act like a grown-ass human being.

That was my big realization. Yeah, honestly, I can corral and manipulate people into being less awful to me. But who the hell are they to make me need that skill all the time? Who are they to put me back in the kind of circumstance that taught me how to do it in the first place? Do I really owe them shit?

A lot of people asked Holly to write this entry on de-escalating oneself, and I think that it's really important so I'm going to link it as well. The Pervocracy Guide to Not Doing Stupid Things Because You're angry. Or, as I like to call it, how not to be the kind of person I kick out of my life.

Part of the reason why I'm so happy in my current relationship is the way we handle conflict. My super-cool headshrinker calls it "sophisticated." I call it "problem-solving." Identify problem. Solve it. Be less upset, due to absence or at least reduction of upset-making stimuli.

FUCKING TALKING. HOW DOES IT WORK.
xenologer: (human monsters)
Someone I was FB friends with posted this:

SO SOME STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS THINK THAT THEY ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ONES ON THE FRONT LINE THAT THEY BREAK OFF FROM THOSE OF US ON THE FRONT LINE TO MAKE THEIR OWN "OCCUPY"....HOW MUCH SOLIDARITY IS THERE IN THAT....YOU TALK SHIT THEN RUN THE FUCK AWAY....YOU FUCKING COWARDS....WHEN THE TEARGAS AND RUBBER BULLETS BEGIN TO FLY....YOU BITCH ASS MOTHER FUCKERS WILL BE "OCCUPYING" YOU FUCKING COMPUTERS


I answered, "I know why I stopped attending, but I strongly doubt you're interested in hearing why."

He replied, "would love to ashley" and "so you dont know as much about me as you think"

I posted the following status on my own wall.

I am immediately unfriending all of the cockbags who think that distancing myself from the dangerously unstable and, yes, violent people who've latched onto the Indianapolis occupation makes me a bad activist. Newsflash: Women and people of color are always asked to put up with danger from their fellow activists "for the cause," and that is what you are asking. If you don't value my safety, you don't get my help.


Before I unfriended that person in accordance with my statement, I saw that he had liked the status. The guy who called us "fucking cowards."

Fuck you. You are an entire bag of dicks.

I would really like to try and help the new occupation group be founded on some different attitudes, but that's just a hope. I am not certain of my success. I mean, I can start the conversation, but if the only people I have to talk to are guys like this? I don't know.

Fucking stupid.

In the interests of being productive, does anybody have good links to offer so that I can provide reading material to some of my fellow occupiers? I have a friend who has been hooking me up, but if you've read something especially good that you want a bunch of white liberal activists to be reading, I've got some that I'd like to pass them on to.
xenologer: (everybody's aunt)
This is from [livejournal.com profile] daisymaeevans, and I appreciated the fact that she posted it. I know there are a couple of people on my LJ who deserve to read it, too, so I'm passing it on. If you know someone who deserves this nice surprise, give it to them.

I don’t care if people think you’re fat.

If you are kind, generous and quick to forgive I don’t care what your scale says.

If you can create a dress, a song, a quilt, a scarf, a cake or a story I don’t care what size you wear.

If you can discuss current events, science, history, art and literature with knowledge and passion I don’t care how much ice cream you ate.

If you are a loyal friend who is always there for me when I need you and is not afraid to lean on me when you need me then I will put my arms around however much of you there is and never let go.

I don’t care what you look like. The important things always outweigh anything else.




So you go have a good day, and remember this.
xenologer: (vengeful)
An important note from emigree about a cyberstalker to beware of on LJ and several other social networking sites.
The user fort_kanji, known in real life as Lohr Miller, is a close-to-sixty year old who lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He constructs an identity for himself on Livejournal that is predicated on pseudo-intellectualism and thinly veiled misogyny, racism, and sizeism. He values what he called BRDYTW girls, which stands for "bookish reclusive dangerously younger train wrecky," a new acronym to stand in for an older adjective he invented based on the condition of cachexia, in which a person suffering from cancer or another chronic disease loses weight and muscular strength as a result of the disease. These girls are invariably white; he has a history of coldly dissociating from nonwhite women because of their racial or ethnic identity. These girls are also preferably underage or in their early twenties. Mr. Miller has had a history of supporting and enabling eating disorders, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse in young women.

Additionally, Mr. Miller, upon acquiring contact information for young women he adds on Livejournal, proceeds to contact them relentlessly, often with unwanted levels of communication. In a single evening, Mr. Miller sends 3-4 mass e-mails on average--sometimes as many as 8 or 9--bemoaning his loneliness and giving his telephone number to anyone who might want to call. He is the Internet equivalent to a crazy ex drinking a bottle of wine alone at 2am, only he does it almost weekly. Worse, if given a mailing address, Mr. Miller sends unbelievable quantities of sexually explicit letters, postcards, and large boxes of books, often multiple numbers of each in a month. In one (read: my) case, it took threats of calling authorities to finally get Mr. Miller to stop. He has also been known to comb the Internet looking for any information about young women who have already blocked him on Livejournal, and writes entries that (a) detail their goings-on and writes explicitly sexual entries about them or (b) deliberately distorts or twists the realities of the source material.


Beware of this person, and please repost emigree's warning. This guy will seriously post the street addresses of women he's targeting, because he is a sick sick fuck. Even if you haven't encountered him, someone on your F-list might.
xenologer: (vengeful)
An important note from emigree about a cyberstalker to beware of on LJ and several other social networking sites.
The user fort_kanji, known in real life as Lohr Miller, is a close-to-sixty year old who lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He constructs an identity for himself on Livejournal that is predicated on pseudo-intellectualism and thinly veiled misogyny, racism, and sizeism. He values what he called BRDYTW girls, which stands for "bookish reclusive dangerously younger train wrecky," a new acronym to stand in for an older adjective he invented based on the condition of cachexia, in which a person suffering from cancer or another chronic disease loses weight and muscular strength as a result of the disease. These girls are invariably white; he has a history of coldly dissociating from nonwhite women because of their racial or ethnic identity. These girls are also preferably underage or in their early twenties. Mr. Miller has had a history of supporting and enabling eating disorders, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse in young women.

Additionally, Mr. Miller, upon acquiring contact information for young women he adds on Livejournal, proceeds to contact them relentlessly, often with unwanted levels of communication. In a single evening, Mr. Miller sends 3-4 mass e-mails on average--sometimes as many as 8 or 9--bemoaning his loneliness and giving his telephone number to anyone who might want to call. He is the Internet equivalent to a crazy ex drinking a bottle of wine alone at 2am, only he does it almost weekly. Worse, if given a mailing address, Mr. Miller sends unbelievable quantities of sexually explicit letters, postcards, and large boxes of books, often multiple numbers of each in a month. In one (read: my) case, it took threats of calling authorities to finally get Mr. Miller to stop. He has also been known to comb the Internet looking for any information about young women who have already blocked him on Livejournal, and writes entries that (a) detail their goings-on and writes explicitly sexual entries about them or (b) deliberately distorts or twists the realities of the source material.


Beware of this person, and please repost emigree's warning. This guy will seriously post the street addresses of women he's targeting, because he is a sick sick fuck. Even if you haven't encountered him, someone on your F-list might.
xenologer: (vengeful)
An important note from emigree about a cyberstalker to beware of on LJ and several other social networking sites.
The user fort_kanji, known in real life as Lohr Miller, is a close-to-sixty year old who lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He constructs an identity for himself on Livejournal that is predicated on pseudo-intellectualism and thinly veiled misogyny, racism, and sizeism. He values what he called BRDYTW girls, which stands for "bookish reclusive dangerously younger train wrecky," a new acronym to stand in for an older adjective he invented based on the condition of cachexia, in which a person suffering from cancer or another chronic disease loses weight and muscular strength as a result of the disease. These girls are invariably white; he has a history of coldly dissociating from nonwhite women because of their racial or ethnic identity. These girls are also preferably underage or in their early twenties. Mr. Miller has had a history of supporting and enabling eating disorders, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse in young women.

Additionally, Mr. Miller, upon acquiring contact information for young women he adds on Livejournal, proceeds to contact them relentlessly, often with unwanted levels of communication. In a single evening, Mr. Miller sends 3-4 mass e-mails on average--sometimes as many as 8 or 9--bemoaning his loneliness and giving his telephone number to anyone who might want to call. He is the Internet equivalent to a crazy ex drinking a bottle of wine alone at 2am, only he does it almost weekly. Worse, if given a mailing address, Mr. Miller sends unbelievable quantities of sexually explicit letters, postcards, and large boxes of books, often multiple numbers of each in a month. In one (read: my) case, it took threats of calling authorities to finally get Mr. Miller to stop. He has also been known to comb the Internet looking for any information about young women who have already blocked him on Livejournal, and writes entries that (a) detail their goings-on and writes explicitly sexual entries about them or (b) deliberately distorts or twists the realities of the source material.


Beware of this person, and please repost emigree's warning. This guy will seriously post the street addresses of women he's targeting, because he is a sick sick fuck. Even if you haven't encountered him, someone on your F-list might.
xenologer: (end of the world)
In 1980 the American Psychiatric Association added an interesting diagnosis to the DSM IV. Let's set aside their tendency to create diagnostic criteria for every imaginable human condition with fetishistic thoroughness. I'll assume you're aware that they do this, even if they're no longer classifying all homosexuals as victims of disease. I want to talk about a specific instance that has become a bit more high-profile recently.

The APA found a way to medicalize juvenile rebellion. No really. Never mind that Margaret Mead concluded that teen rebellion is largely a phenomenon of American culture. We won't worry about that. Here's what we'll worry about: the medicalization of deviance.

Now, this is nothing new. When a woman was unhappy in a life without any real agency, she was called a hysteric, her discontent being the result of her own sickness rather than oppressive conditions. They used to say that slaves who ran away from their masters must surely be mentally ill, for what slave in his or her right mind would do such an inconvenient and noncompliant thing?

It turns out that if your child has frequent temper tantrums, argues "excessively" with adults, and exhibits "active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules," he or she might be mentally ill. In the second grade classroom where I volunteered in high school, they called these kids "emotionally handicapped," and at least a couple were kept so tranquilized by medication that they slept through the day's lessons on a beanbag in the corner. The worst I observed in any of them (when sober) was one boy telling the other children what he'd read about extraterrestrials. Clearly this child is a threat to himself and everyone else around him. Someone call the APA.

Keep in mind that ODD isn't the same thing as conduct disorder. That's a separate disorder in which a child is actually acting out instead of simply making a nuisance of themselves verbally.
The official symptoms of ODD include "often actively defies or refuses to comply with adult requests or rules" and "often argues with adults." While ODD-diagnosed young people are obnoxious with adults they don't respect, these kids can be a delight with adults they do respect; yet many of them are medicated with psychotropic drugs. (Levine at AlterNet)

Read more... )
xenologer: (mutants)
Run-down of stuff I'm reading today!

Unemployment is hitting women particularly hard. (h/t WashingtonMonthly)

Obama smacks McCain on the economy.

Remember that voter disenfranchisement mess in Michigan I was talking about before? The one where McCain's campaign was allegedly working with the Michigan GOP to keep people whose homes are in foreclosure from voting? Obama's campaign is filing a suit. (h/t WashingtonMonthly)

One of McCain's former biggest fans is sick of all the lying. (h/t WashingtonMonthly)

Military suicide is likely to reach the highest it's been since the Vietnam War. (h/t Gidster)

Even Karl Rove thinks McCain's gone "too far" into the realm of dishonesty and general wackiness. Ouch, dude. That's like Cruella De Vil calling you "a bit too callous." (h/t MoveOn.org)

The Economic Policy Institute has decided that Obama's health plan will outperform McCain's in both coverage and efficiency.

And the Washington post has a handy graph of who'll gain what from McCain and Obama's tax proposals. Seriously! You can look at the chart and it says, "You are here." McCain would help me out with twenty bucks. That's about a week's worth of coffee at Starbuck's. Obama's plan would get me $567 more dollars a year, which combined with a health care plan that will actually work (see the last question on this run-down of the candidates' answers to ScienceDebate '08) will go a long way toward actually improving my quality of life.

Planned Parenthood makes campaign issues out of sex education and sexual assault, almost like they matter or something! (h/t Curvature)

And, last but not least, the American Family Association is flipping out that the EU might declare official opposition to laws that make homosexuality a crime.
xenologer: (hope)
I'm going to be charitable and assume that the pro-life stance is not just primarily about protecting children, but is solely about protecting children. Let's take away all those debates about economic and social parity between men and women. Let's take away all the questioning of heteronormative gender roles and Christonormative social norms, and the adoption system that reinforces them.

Let's talk about protecting children.

Currently in America there are 500,000 children in foster care, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

On any given night in America, over a million children are homeless. Being homeless doesn't just mean no shelter, compromised hygeine, and no guarantee of safety. It also means a staggering rate of mental illness and compromised educational opportunity, according to the National Mental Health Association.

Every day, worldwide, almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes according to The Lancet.

About 20 million children are homeless and over 2 million are dead because of armed conflicts worldwide in the last decade, this according to UNICEF.

This is why, if I ever raise children, I feel a strong moral imperative to adopt. This is why, if I ever call a young person my son or daughter I do not plan for them to be of my own blood.

This is why, if I become pregnant, I will do my damndest to have an abortion. Y'know why? Because if I'm going to pour resources into a child, I can think of children who need it a lot more than the one I'd be producing.

Stop telling me I hate children. That I'm a babykiller. That I'm a destroyer of families, a reaver of responsible moral values. I intend to have an abortion to stop the introduction of more children into a world that's got enough needy children already. You want to turn every single abortion discussion into an appeal to emotion? You really want to go that low?

I can play that game, too.

I think every single person who deliberately conceives children of their own instead of taking in a child in need (and they're all around us, guys) is being self-serving and short-sighted. I do. I think these people are allowing themselves to be complicit in a system where the only children that are recognized as needing safety, food, and love are one's own, where the children we value most are still aspirin-sized parasites, while real living, breathing, thinking, feeling, suffering children are left to their plights because millions of parents who could be doing something for them are creating more and more children instead.

Every time I'm slurred as a babyhating militant women's libber out to destroy families I have bitten my tongue when it comes to this particular argument because I didn't want to come out and say it. But now I will.

You say I'm devaluing the lives of children by planning to have an abortion should I become pregnant. I say that pro-lifers are devaluing the lives of children by sanctifying a fetus above a needy child who quite simply to them matters less.

I use two forms of protection and am still considering more permanent sterilization options (that, let's face it, are expensive and invasive for women). But you can bet that if I become pregnant despite that, I will have an abortion. Without hesitation. Without guilt. Without permission.

And I'll be thinking of you. I'll remind myself how glad I am that "pro-lifers" and their lust for forced birthing don't get to force me to make the wrong choice, to make a choice that I believe will be exacerbating a global child welfare disaster that could easily be fixed if more people cared for existing children as much as they cared for a smear of cells less distinct from my own body than the normal flora in my gut.

I'll be wondering why the hell more women aren't right here with me, putting live children first.

So don't rail at me about protecting children like it's never occurred to me that they need it. I am a thinking, discerning, moral human being, and thinking, discerning, moral human beings are able and obligated to decide for themselves how best to serve the world in their time here. We are able and obligated to choose. I choose contraception and abortion, as many times as I want them. I choose adoption, every time I want a child.

That's my choice. Why should you get a veto? Why should the moral choice of this woman be worth so little, and dismissed so easily? I'm pro-choice, and we believe in morality, too.

If given a choice (and I will demand one), there is a direct moral conflict for me between bearing a child of my own blood and caring for suffering children who are already here. When in conflict (and I've stated that it always will be), my obligation will be to these living children first. Why are all these living children less important to "pro-lifers" than the children I may abort? Why do they want women like me to be forced to bear children, when I know in my heart that children worldwide are better served if I avoid breeding at all costs?

Call it the Bob Barker school of child welfare. Spay and neuter yourselves. Adopt a child in need.
xenologer: (not your doll)
Feeling better now than when I wrote this, but knew I ought to post it since it was my afternoon yesterday. )


The Angel

I dreamt a dream! What can it mean?
And that I was a maiden Queen
Guarded by an Angel mild:
Witless woe was ne'er beguiled!

And I wept both night and day,
And he wiped my tears away;
And I wept both day and night,
And hid from him my heart's delight.

So he took his wings, and fled;
Then the morn blushed rosy red.
I dried my tears, and armed my fears
With ten-thousand shields and spears.

Soon my Angel came again;
I was armed, he came in vain;
For the time of youth was fled,
And grey hairs were on my head.
~William Blake
xenologer: (not your doll)
Feeling better now than when I wrote this, but knew I ought to post it since it was my afternoon yesterday. )


The Angel

I dreamt a dream! What can it mean?
And that I was a maiden Queen
Guarded by an Angel mild:
Witless woe was ne'er beguiled!

And I wept both night and day,
And he wiped my tears away;
And I wept both day and night,
And hid from him my heart's delight.

So he took his wings, and fled;
Then the morn blushed rosy red.
I dried my tears, and armed my fears
With ten-thousand shields and spears.

Soon my Angel came again;
I was armed, he came in vain;
For the time of youth was fled,
And grey hairs were on my head.
~William Blake
xenologer: (frost_icons)
Who's that girl who slept all day out in the poolhouse (after smuggling out hamburger buns because there was nothing else to eat) but could still hear her parents yelling loud enough for the whole neighborhood to listen in? Whose parents can afford $70 of booze for Christmas but don't have the money to buy half a gallon of milk for me, or a loaf of bread for any of us? Who can't wait to be alone in the house just to have some peace? Is it the same person who dreads getting up in the morning because she knows finding something for breakfast is going to be just a little harder than it should be?
Oh, right.
I remember this person. Haven't seen her in a while. I don't think I really like the old me.
*goes to hang out in her room where she can stay in character for hours*
*finally forgets for a while where she is and why she hates it*
xenologer: (frost_icons)
Who's that girl who slept all day out in the poolhouse (after smuggling out hamburger buns because there was nothing else to eat) but could still hear her parents yelling loud enough for the whole neighborhood to listen in? Whose parents can afford $70 of booze for Christmas but don't have the money to buy half a gallon of milk for me, or a loaf of bread for any of us? Who can't wait to be alone in the house just to have some peace? Is it the same person who dreads getting up in the morning because she knows finding something for breakfast is going to be just a little harder than it should be?
Oh, right.
I remember this person. Haven't seen her in a while. I don't think I really like the old me.
*goes to hang out in her room where she can stay in character for hours*
*finally forgets for a while where she is and why she hates it*
xenologer: (Default)
Home sucks. All of them. If they didn't, no one would leave.

Read more... )
xenologer: (Default)
Home sucks. All of them. If they didn't, no one would leave.

Read more... )
xenologer: (not your doll)
Well. I was reprimanded for something interesting today. You know those picture holder things with the weighted base and a clip on a flexible wire? The clip holds the picture, and the base says something like "Butler Fall Ball 2004" on occasion?

My mother threw both of mine out, and told me never to bring drug paraphernalia home again. When I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, she told me she found two roach clips in my boxes from college. When she described those, I tried not to laugh at her, but I knew that laughing would only make it worse.

She told me that even though she knew I didn't know what they were (because God forbid they be for photos), if the military ever found out that shit was in this house, Mitch could be court-martialed. She said that she didn't tell Mitch what she'd found, she just threw them away. But if he'd known, he'd have been pissed and would have kicked me out of the house. (Which is just her trying to give us a common enemy to get me on her side.) Right.

"And it's not because we don't love you or anything like that, but we can't have these in our house. Don't ever bring drug paraphernalia home again."
"Wait, what? Where did that disclaimer come from?"
"Well, I don't want you to think that we don't love you or I'm just being mean about this, because I know that's how it must seem."
"Well, at the beginning I thought you were accusing me of smoking pot, but after that... that wasn't the conclusion I came to."
"No. I know that you aren't into all of that. [author note: Feel free to cast detect bullshit right about here.] But I was there in the 60's and 70's when all these came out, and that's what those are."
"Okay."
"Just don't bring drug shit home ever again."


Seriously. For fuck's sake.

And some angst for the lovely readers. )
xenologer: (not your doll)
Well. I was reprimanded for something interesting today. You know those picture holder things with the weighted base and a clip on a flexible wire? The clip holds the picture, and the base says something like "Butler Fall Ball 2004" on occasion?

My mother threw both of mine out, and told me never to bring drug paraphernalia home again. When I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, she told me she found two roach clips in my boxes from college. When she described those, I tried not to laugh at her, but I knew that laughing would only make it worse.

She told me that even though she knew I didn't know what they were (because God forbid they be for photos), if the military ever found out that shit was in this house, Mitch could be court-martialed. She said that she didn't tell Mitch what she'd found, she just threw them away. But if he'd known, he'd have been pissed and would have kicked me out of the house. (Which is just her trying to give us a common enemy to get me on her side.) Right.

"And it's not because we don't love you or anything like that, but we can't have these in our house. Don't ever bring drug paraphernalia home again."
"Wait, what? Where did that disclaimer come from?"
"Well, I don't want you to think that we don't love you or I'm just being mean about this, because I know that's how it must seem."
"Well, at the beginning I thought you were accusing me of smoking pot, but after that... that wasn't the conclusion I came to."
"No. I know that you aren't into all of that. [author note: Feel free to cast detect bullshit right about here.] But I was there in the 60's and 70's when all these came out, and that's what those are."
"Okay."
"Just don't bring drug shit home ever again."


Seriously. For fuck's sake.

And some angst for the lovely readers. )
xenologer: (girlicon)
This is all such a waste.

My mother is making me leave the house at night when they go to bed. I have to go out to my room now no matter when they retire. Don't get me wrong, I like living in the pool house. But I can't be online at night now without making a huge production out of it, and she bitches if I'm 'on that computer all day just like Mitch. I fucking hate that computer. All he ever does is play that game and I never see him and nothing ever gets done and I'm so fucking sick and tired of it." This goes on for another ten minutes until she gets tired, has something else to do or finds something else to bitch about.
Also, she bitches if I go out to my room to play final fantasy. That should tell you how hard up I am for effective escapism up here. Mindless repetitive leveling-up is preferable to anything else going on.

This is just such a waste. Where are those people who enjoy their vacations? Where are those people who look forward to going home from school so they can relax? Where are these people and why aren't any of them me?
We went shopping for food yesterday for four hours. Four hours of her bitching, both of them dithering about and Mitch wandering off because he doesn't want to be around her any more than I do. That kind of shit just drains the life right out of me. People wonder why I forgo emotions up here. I just don't have the energy for any of it. This is the kind of thing that saps the will to live right out of me until I'm just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a good day, waiting for an open argument at least, waiting to be hit by a car. Anything.

Such a waste.
xenologer: (girlicon)
This is all such a waste.

My mother is making me leave the house at night when they go to bed. I have to go out to my room now no matter when they retire. Don't get me wrong, I like living in the pool house. But I can't be online at night now without making a huge production out of it, and she bitches if I'm 'on that computer all day just like Mitch. I fucking hate that computer. All he ever does is play that game and I never see him and nothing ever gets done and I'm so fucking sick and tired of it." This goes on for another ten minutes until she gets tired, has something else to do or finds something else to bitch about.
Also, she bitches if I go out to my room to play final fantasy. That should tell you how hard up I am for effective escapism up here. Mindless repetitive leveling-up is preferable to anything else going on.

This is just such a waste. Where are those people who enjoy their vacations? Where are those people who look forward to going home from school so they can relax? Where are these people and why aren't any of them me?
We went shopping for food yesterday for four hours. Four hours of her bitching, both of them dithering about and Mitch wandering off because he doesn't want to be around her any more than I do. That kind of shit just drains the life right out of me. People wonder why I forgo emotions up here. I just don't have the energy for any of it. This is the kind of thing that saps the will to live right out of me until I'm just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a good day, waiting for an open argument at least, waiting to be hit by a car. Anything.

Such a waste.

April 2016

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
171819 20212223
24252627282930

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jun. 26th, 2017 05:14 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios