xenologer: (cocky Kamina)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
The people I've included in my life (most notably my partner) and the people I've excluded. I don't regret any of those decisions.
xenologer: (cocky Kamina)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
The people I've included in my life (most notably my partner) and the people I've excluded. I don't regret any of those decisions.
xenologer: (cocky Kamina)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
The people I've included in my life (most notably my partner) and the people I've excluded. I don't regret any of those decisions.
xenologer: (bye bye)
I hate it when people are so out of touch with what they want that they can't solve problems which are clearly upsetting them.

You ever talk to one of those people who presents all of these problems, but absolutely rejects all solutions to them? I can't stand it. So many people complain about shit that isn't actually their real problem, and because of it you get situations where Person A complains about something, and Person B thinks of a solution. Person A says, "Well, that wasn't actually what was wrong," and then Person B tries to dig deeper to find the real problem. Person A presents something new which--when solved--is not actually the real problem, either.

This isn't problem-solving. This is turtles standing on turtles standing on turtles standing on turtles that were all stacked up by somebody who is constitutionally incapable of being happy and keeps shifting the goalposts of any problem-solving session to ensure that it fails so that they can continue being cranky and dissatisfied.

I find this so fucking exhausting; you have no idea. Well, maybe you do. If you do, I'm sorry.

It's kind of been my lot to be the one who does all the digging until either the person who hates solutions is too tired to make excuses anymore and finally fucking gives in, or I get too exhausted by dealing with people who are not self-aware enough to ask for what they need and just fucking abandon them to their knotted-up self-imposed nightmare of deliberately-unsolvable unhappiness.
xenologer: (bye bye)
I hate it when people are so out of touch with what they want that they can't solve problems which are clearly upsetting them.

You ever talk to one of those people who presents all of these problems, but absolutely rejects all solutions to them? I can't stand it. So many people complain about shit that isn't actually their real problem, and because of it you get situations where Person A complains about something, and Person B thinks of a solution. Person A says, "Well, that wasn't actually what was wrong," and then Person B tries to dig deeper to find the real problem. Person A presents something new which--when solved--is not actually the real problem, either.

This isn't problem-solving. This is turtles standing on turtles standing on turtles standing on turtles that were all stacked up by somebody who is constitutionally incapable of being happy and keeps shifting the goalposts of any problem-solving session to ensure that it fails so that they can continue being cranky and dissatisfied.

I find this so fucking exhausting; you have no idea. Well, maybe you do. If you do, I'm sorry.

It's kind of been my lot to be the one who does all the digging until either the person who hates solutions is too tired to make excuses anymore and finally fucking gives in, or I get too exhausted by dealing with people who are not self-aware enough to ask for what they need and just fucking abandon them to their knotted-up self-imposed nightmare of deliberately-unsolvable unhappiness.
xenologer: (bye bye)
I hate it when people are so out of touch with what they want that they can't solve problems which are clearly upsetting them.

You ever talk to one of those people who presents all of these problems, but absolutely rejects all solutions to them? I can't stand it. So many people complain about shit that isn't actually their real problem, and because of it you get situations where Person A complains about something, and Person B thinks of a solution. Person A says, "Well, that wasn't actually what was wrong," and then Person B tries to dig deeper to find the real problem. Person A presents something new which--when solved--is not actually the real problem, either.

This isn't problem-solving. This is turtles standing on turtles standing on turtles standing on turtles that were all stacked up by somebody who is constitutionally incapable of being happy and keeps shifting the goalposts of any problem-solving session to ensure that it fails so that they can continue being cranky and dissatisfied.

I find this so fucking exhausting; you have no idea. Well, maybe you do. If you do, I'm sorry.

It's kind of been my lot to be the one who does all the digging until either the person who hates solutions is too tired to make excuses anymore and finally fucking gives in, or I get too exhausted by dealing with people who are not self-aware enough to ask for what they need and just fucking abandon them to their knotted-up self-imposed nightmare of deliberately-unsolvable unhappiness.
xenologer: (bye bye)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
I forgive people when they can no longer hurt me, either because it's no longer in their nature or because they have been forcibly removed from my life. Then I'm cool with them, either way.

However, I never forget. I've said it before and I'll say it again. People who pressure you to "forgive and forget" are just hoping for another opportunity to hurt you, or at the very least they don't value your right to prevent it. Anybody who really respects your right to protect yourself will never ask you to pretend an injury didn't happen (such as how you've been hurt in the past and by whom) for the benefit of their feelings. In that situation what they're really asking you to do is to make yourself more likely to be hurt similarly in the future so that they don't have to hurt now.

And... uh... no.
xenologer: (bye bye)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
I forgive people when they can no longer hurt me, either because it's no longer in their nature or because they have been forcibly removed from my life. Then I'm cool with them, either way.

However, I never forget. I've said it before and I'll say it again. People who pressure you to "forgive and forget" are just hoping for another opportunity to hurt you, or at the very least they don't value your right to prevent it. Anybody who really respects your right to protect yourself will never ask you to pretend an injury didn't happen (such as how you've been hurt in the past and by whom) for the benefit of their feelings. In that situation what they're really asking you to do is to make yourself more likely to be hurt similarly in the future so that they don't have to hurt now.

And... uh... no.
xenologer: (bye bye)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
I forgive people when they can no longer hurt me, either because it's no longer in their nature or because they have been forcibly removed from my life. Then I'm cool with them, either way.

However, I never forget. I've said it before and I'll say it again. People who pressure you to "forgive and forget" are just hoping for another opportunity to hurt you, or at the very least they don't value your right to prevent it. Anybody who really respects your right to protect yourself will never ask you to pretend an injury didn't happen (such as how you've been hurt in the past and by whom) for the benefit of their feelings. In that situation what they're really asking you to do is to make yourself more likely to be hurt similarly in the future so that they don't have to hurt now.

And... uh... no.
xenologer: (mastermind)
People have told me I have good people skills.

Other people phrase this differently. They say I'm manipulative. Perhaps they believe that I'm corralling them into terrible little destiny-destroying social boxes of doom. Perhaps they believe that my political games are so complex, thorough, and generally arcane that they are willing to attribute any misfortune to my meddling.

Sure, I misunderstand you terribly. Sure, the only reason everybody else happens to misunderstand you in exactly the same way is that I have poisoned them against you.

Some people feel that I've used my mistaken understanding of them to twist the whole universe against them. What people don't seem to want to think about is this: I can't manipulate you if I don't understand you.

Maybe it's possible to manipulate a person without grokking them on some kind of meaningful level, but that's not how I operate.

Accuse me of using my understanding of you to tear your life apart. Accuse me of misunderstanding you, and acting mistakenly. Please, though, don't accuse me of these things simultaneously. Your awed and horrified faith in my ability to corrupt and assimilate the people around me is touching, truly, but it's not really realistic.

Maybe you're just an asshole, and maybe I'm just the one who finally made a convincing argument to that end.

I guess it's a painful thing to think about, that someone can understand you and not like you. We cling as long as we can to the desperate hope that if "they" only understood where we were coming from, if "they" only understood what we were really thinking, that "they" would love us as much as we love ourselves.

Not always gonna happen, people. Sometimes people will understand you pretty well, and sometimes... you'll wish they didn't. Who knows, perhaps they'll be wishing it, too.
xenologer: (mastermind)
People have told me I have good people skills.

Other people phrase this differently. They say I'm manipulative. Perhaps they believe that I'm corralling them into terrible little destiny-destroying social boxes of doom. Perhaps they believe that my political games are so complex, thorough, and generally arcane that they are willing to attribute any misfortune to my meddling.

Sure, I misunderstand you terribly. Sure, the only reason everybody else happens to misunderstand you in exactly the same way is that I have poisoned them against you.

Some people feel that I've used my mistaken understanding of them to twist the whole universe against them. What people don't seem to want to think about is this: I can't manipulate you if I don't understand you.

Maybe it's possible to manipulate a person without grokking them on some kind of meaningful level, but that's not how I operate.

Accuse me of using my understanding of you to tear your life apart. Accuse me of misunderstanding you, and acting mistakenly. Please, though, don't accuse me of these things simultaneously. Your awed and horrified faith in my ability to corrupt and assimilate the people around me is touching, truly, but it's not really realistic.

Maybe you're just an asshole, and maybe I'm just the one who finally made a convincing argument to that end.

I guess it's a painful thing to think about, that someone can understand you and not like you. We cling as long as we can to the desperate hope that if "they" only understood where we were coming from, if "they" only understood what we were really thinking, that "they" would love us as much as we love ourselves.

Not always gonna happen, people. Sometimes people will understand you pretty well, and sometimes... you'll wish they didn't. Who knows, perhaps they'll be wishing it, too.
xenologer: (mastermind)
People have told me I have good people skills.

Other people phrase this differently. They say I'm manipulative. Perhaps they believe that I'm corralling them into terrible little destiny-destroying social boxes of doom. Perhaps they believe that my political games are so complex, thorough, and generally arcane that they are willing to attribute any misfortune to my meddling.

Sure, I misunderstand you terribly. Sure, the only reason everybody else happens to misunderstand you in exactly the same way is that I have poisoned them against you.

Some people feel that I've used my mistaken understanding of them to twist the whole universe against them. What people don't seem to want to think about is this: I can't manipulate you if I don't understand you.

Maybe it's possible to manipulate a person without grokking them on some kind of meaningful level, but that's not how I operate.

Accuse me of using my understanding of you to tear your life apart. Accuse me of misunderstanding you, and acting mistakenly. Please, though, don't accuse me of these things simultaneously. Your awed and horrified faith in my ability to corrupt and assimilate the people around me is touching, truly, but it's not really realistic.

Maybe you're just an asshole, and maybe I'm just the one who finally made a convincing argument to that end.

I guess it's a painful thing to think about, that someone can understand you and not like you. We cling as long as we can to the desperate hope that if "they" only understood where we were coming from, if "they" only understood what we were really thinking, that "they" would love us as much as we love ourselves.

Not always gonna happen, people. Sometimes people will understand you pretty well, and sometimes... you'll wish they didn't. Who knows, perhaps they'll be wishing it, too.

Snake

Aug. 12th, 2009 12:43 am
xenologer: (bye bye)
I've found a great way of looking at the roles people sometimes take in groups. People generally rotate through these, but they're all important. Starhawk mentions it in Truth or Dare.
“For the East, the direction of air, of the mind and vision, we have the Crows, who keep an overview of the group’s tasks and progress. For the South, the direction of fire, of energy, we have the Graces, who help the group expand. For the West, the direction of water, of emotions, we have the Snakes, who keep an underview of the group’s feelings and emotions. For the North, the direction of earth, of body and finitude, we have the Dragons, who establish and guard the group’s boundaries, who keep the group grounded. In the center, the place of spirit, we have the Spider, who weaves the group’s connections.”

I used to think of myself as a Crow, keeping track of where we are and where we're going. I thought this just because it occasionally feels like I'm the one thinking in concrete terms about how communities work and what any given one is doing from that perspective.

However, it's become clear to me from paying closer attention to how I operate within social circles... I'm a Snake. Most definitely.

I definitely encourage people to check out the book if they're interested in getting info about the other roles, but for the sake of explaining myself I'll offer what she says about Snakes.
Snakes violate the Censor, speak the unspeakable, bring out into the open what others may not see or prefer to keep hidden. The role of Snake can be an extremely uncomfortable one--and Snakes may become heartily disliked, but theirs is a vital role and the one that perhaps does most to undermine the King's attempts to gain control of the group. The mouth is the greatest organ of resistance. A group cannot function by avoiding conflict and not acknowledging feelings. The role of bringing conflict into the open is vital and valuable. (...)

It is also important to rotate this role. Someone who continually brings up conflicts may lose influence and eventually come to be considered a crank.

Let's see! I'm no longer friends with most of my early college acquaintances for all the same reasons that I'm no longer at Hidden Realms, The Gungan Council, The Jedi Praxeum, or Chaos Theory.

I can't handle having people in my social environment who are dishonest about conflict, unlike the people I have cut off who seem to enjoy it.

Couple this with some shit going down with Thalia--that is secured up in another filter for reasons that should be obvious--and you've got a recipe for me being totally unable to tolerate that kind of dishonesty. People who have problems and are unwilling to be honest about them... I just can't take it.

Word to the wise. If you don't like my tendency to ferret out hidden conflict and bring it out where it can be seen and named... don't act all excited when I do it on your behalf. If you would rather lie and backpedal than stand behind the things you are thinking and feeling, your thoughts and feelings don't deserve any more regard from me than they get from you.

I need to figure out how to detect passive-aggressive liars so that I don't make the mistake of trusting them for even a short while. Either I attract them, or they really are shockingly numerous and there's just no avoiding them from a numbers perspective. Either way! I need some kind of "are you a two-faced coward" litmus test so that having honest friendships won't have to be so fucking labor-intensive on my end.

And, just to be totally clear. If you're wondering whether this entry is about you, it's not. If you're reading this and it's about you, you're probably feeling a lot of self-righteous butthurt right now. Check for that reaction, because that's how you'll know whether I'm addressing you. If you are not currently in the process of rationalizing why you should be lying to people whose trust you want/need/demand, then this entry is most definitely not about you.

Seriously, though. I hate liars. Growing up I became the best liar I know (and if I cared to use those skills, I'd still be the best liar you know), because I had to be invisible. Anybody who wants to take me back there--to an environment where conflict was dangerous and the only safety was in hiding--is not my friend, and deserves my fist in their throat far more than they deserve my friendship. Check for self-righteous butthurt one more time. Did you find it? Yes? Then fuck you. Defriend me now and save me the trouble of cutting you off later.

Snake

Aug. 12th, 2009 12:43 am
xenologer: (bye bye)
I've found a great way of looking at the roles people sometimes take in groups. People generally rotate through these, but they're all important. Starhawk mentions it in Truth or Dare.
“For the East, the direction of air, of the mind and vision, we have the Crows, who keep an overview of the group’s tasks and progress. For the South, the direction of fire, of energy, we have the Graces, who help the group expand. For the West, the direction of water, of emotions, we have the Snakes, who keep an underview of the group’s feelings and emotions. For the North, the direction of earth, of body and finitude, we have the Dragons, who establish and guard the group’s boundaries, who keep the group grounded. In the center, the place of spirit, we have the Spider, who weaves the group’s connections.”

I used to think of myself as a Crow, keeping track of where we are and where we're going. I thought this just because it occasionally feels like I'm the one thinking in concrete terms about how communities work and what any given one is doing from that perspective.

However, it's become clear to me from paying closer attention to how I operate within social circles... I'm a Snake. Most definitely.

I definitely encourage people to check out the book if they're interested in getting info about the other roles, but for the sake of explaining myself I'll offer what she says about Snakes.
Snakes violate the Censor, speak the unspeakable, bring out into the open what others may not see or prefer to keep hidden. The role of Snake can be an extremely uncomfortable one--and Snakes may become heartily disliked, but theirs is a vital role and the one that perhaps does most to undermine the King's attempts to gain control of the group. The mouth is the greatest organ of resistance. A group cannot function by avoiding conflict and not acknowledging feelings. The role of bringing conflict into the open is vital and valuable. (...)

It is also important to rotate this role. Someone who continually brings up conflicts may lose influence and eventually come to be considered a crank.

Let's see! I'm no longer friends with most of my early college acquaintances for all the same reasons that I'm no longer at Hidden Realms, The Gungan Council, The Jedi Praxeum, or Chaos Theory.

I can't handle having people in my social environment who are dishonest about conflict, unlike the people I have cut off who seem to enjoy it.

Couple this with some shit going down with Thalia--that is secured up in another filter for reasons that should be obvious--and you've got a recipe for me being totally unable to tolerate that kind of dishonesty. People who have problems and are unwilling to be honest about them... I just can't take it.

Word to the wise. If you don't like my tendency to ferret out hidden conflict and bring it out where it can be seen and named... don't act all excited when I do it on your behalf. If you would rather lie and backpedal than stand behind the things you are thinking and feeling, your thoughts and feelings don't deserve any more regard from me than they get from you.

I need to figure out how to detect passive-aggressive liars so that I don't make the mistake of trusting them for even a short while. Either I attract them, or they really are shockingly numerous and there's just no avoiding them from a numbers perspective. Either way! I need some kind of "are you a two-faced coward" litmus test so that having honest friendships won't have to be so fucking labor-intensive on my end.

And, just to be totally clear. If you're wondering whether this entry is about you, it's not. If you're reading this and it's about you, you're probably feeling a lot of self-righteous butthurt right now. Check for that reaction, because that's how you'll know whether I'm addressing you. If you are not currently in the process of rationalizing why you should be lying to people whose trust you want/need/demand, then this entry is most definitely not about you.

Seriously, though. I hate liars. Growing up I became the best liar I know (and if I cared to use those skills, I'd still be the best liar you know), because I had to be invisible. Anybody who wants to take me back there--to an environment where conflict was dangerous and the only safety was in hiding--is not my friend, and deserves my fist in their throat far more than they deserve my friendship. Check for self-righteous butthurt one more time. Did you find it? Yes? Then fuck you. Defriend me now and save me the trouble of cutting you off later.

Snake

Aug. 12th, 2009 12:43 am
xenologer: (bye bye)
I've found a great way of looking at the roles people sometimes take in groups. People generally rotate through these, but they're all important. Starhawk mentions it in Truth or Dare.
“For the East, the direction of air, of the mind and vision, we have the Crows, who keep an overview of the group’s tasks and progress. For the South, the direction of fire, of energy, we have the Graces, who help the group expand. For the West, the direction of water, of emotions, we have the Snakes, who keep an underview of the group’s feelings and emotions. For the North, the direction of earth, of body and finitude, we have the Dragons, who establish and guard the group’s boundaries, who keep the group grounded. In the center, the place of spirit, we have the Spider, who weaves the group’s connections.”

I used to think of myself as a Crow, keeping track of where we are and where we're going. I thought this just because it occasionally feels like I'm the one thinking in concrete terms about how communities work and what any given one is doing from that perspective.

However, it's become clear to me from paying closer attention to how I operate within social circles... I'm a Snake. Most definitely.

I definitely encourage people to check out the book if they're interested in getting info about the other roles, but for the sake of explaining myself I'll offer what she says about Snakes.
Snakes violate the Censor, speak the unspeakable, bring out into the open what others may not see or prefer to keep hidden. The role of Snake can be an extremely uncomfortable one--and Snakes may become heartily disliked, but theirs is a vital role and the one that perhaps does most to undermine the King's attempts to gain control of the group. The mouth is the greatest organ of resistance. A group cannot function by avoiding conflict and not acknowledging feelings. The role of bringing conflict into the open is vital and valuable. (...)

It is also important to rotate this role. Someone who continually brings up conflicts may lose influence and eventually come to be considered a crank.

Let's see! I'm no longer friends with most of my early college acquaintances for all the same reasons that I'm no longer at Hidden Realms, The Gungan Council, The Jedi Praxeum, or Chaos Theory.

I can't handle having people in my social environment who are dishonest about conflict, unlike the people I have cut off who seem to enjoy it.

Couple this with some shit going down with Thalia--that is secured up in another filter for reasons that should be obvious--and you've got a recipe for me being totally unable to tolerate that kind of dishonesty. People who have problems and are unwilling to be honest about them... I just can't take it.

Word to the wise. If you don't like my tendency to ferret out hidden conflict and bring it out where it can be seen and named... don't act all excited when I do it on your behalf. If you would rather lie and backpedal than stand behind the things you are thinking and feeling, your thoughts and feelings don't deserve any more regard from me than they get from you.

I need to figure out how to detect passive-aggressive liars so that I don't make the mistake of trusting them for even a short while. Either I attract them, or they really are shockingly numerous and there's just no avoiding them from a numbers perspective. Either way! I need some kind of "are you a two-faced coward" litmus test so that having honest friendships won't have to be so fucking labor-intensive on my end.

And, just to be totally clear. If you're wondering whether this entry is about you, it's not. If you're reading this and it's about you, you're probably feeling a lot of self-righteous butthurt right now. Check for that reaction, because that's how you'll know whether I'm addressing you. If you are not currently in the process of rationalizing why you should be lying to people whose trust you want/need/demand, then this entry is most definitely not about you.

Seriously, though. I hate liars. Growing up I became the best liar I know (and if I cared to use those skills, I'd still be the best liar you know), because I had to be invisible. Anybody who wants to take me back there--to an environment where conflict was dangerous and the only safety was in hiding--is not my friend, and deserves my fist in their throat far more than they deserve my friendship. Check for self-righteous butthurt one more time. Did you find it? Yes? Then fuck you. Defriend me now and save me the trouble of cutting you off later.

friends

Jul. 11th, 2009 03:34 am
xenologer: (cry yourself to sleep)
It has occurred to me that lots of my acquaintances make friends like buying a hamster. It's cute now, but when it dies in two years they're COMPLETELY FUCKING SHOCKED.

Well, guess what? When you move away from people, they stop caring about you. I'm not shocked. I've owned this hamster before.

friends

Jul. 11th, 2009 03:34 am
xenologer: (cry yourself to sleep)
It has occurred to me that lots of my acquaintances make friends like buying a hamster. It's cute now, but when it dies in two years they're COMPLETELY FUCKING SHOCKED.

Well, guess what? When you move away from people, they stop caring about you. I'm not shocked. I've owned this hamster before.

friends

Jul. 11th, 2009 03:34 am
xenologer: (cry yourself to sleep)
It has occurred to me that lots of my acquaintances make friends like buying a hamster. It's cute now, but when it dies in two years they're COMPLETELY FUCKING SHOCKED.

Well, guess what? When you move away from people, they stop caring about you. I'm not shocked. I've owned this hamster before.
xenologer: (bye bye)
I would really like it if the people who accuse me of unacceptable behavior had the critical ability to ensure that all of the things they accuse me of can be true simultaneously. I think we'd get a lot further.

And yeah, this hasn't stopped pissing me off.
xenologer: (bye bye)
I would really like it if the people who accuse me of unacceptable behavior had the critical ability to ensure that all of the things they accuse me of can be true simultaneously. I think we'd get a lot further.

And yeah, this hasn't stopped pissing me off.

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