...even if the Man is me.

Why is she so uptight all the time?

Why can't she just chill out and let people do things their own way?

What the hell gives her the right to say that we aren't working hard enough?

Where the hell is the justice in a situation where you can do more for this girl than someone else does, and it's still not good enough because it's not what she forces herself to do?

Doesn't she understand that people have lives and obligations aside from this one thing that's apparently so important to her?

Maybe we aren't all as interested in obsessing over this kind of thing. At that point it needs to be enough for her that we spend time and effort at all.

She's got no right to tell us we aren't good enough. To pressure us, to make us feel guilty for not being totally absorbed in the same things she is.

...

When did I get like this?

When I first got to the forum, I wanted very badly to show everyone that I wasn't just some stupid newbie, and that I could roleplay in chats and on boards, that I could develop interesting characters and write backstory that covered all the important stuff. That I could make fanart for my characters and characters I knew. Everything had to be right. Everything had to be perfect because if it wasn't....

If it wasn't, everyone would know. And they would judge me by my failures.

I refused to allow myself to present anything but my best work, creatively-speaking. I tried to do everything I could to get new people to come and contribute their ideas and their effort to a community that deserved to be found and enjoyed.

For the people already there... I tried to make sure that no one kept them from doing what they wanted. We're all adults and we all understand the value our standards hold.

When did I stop trusting people to uphold those standards without me bitching about it? When did my drive to offer my community the best of me become a desire to see the whole community as.... as my own personal project? When did I stop trying to give my best to the people I know and start trying to force everyone to conform to my standards?

When did I become Pervy? Have I? I was always a little afraid that I might.

Now that I'm an admin, I feel like it's even more important for me to keep an eye on these things. No one has to listen to me, and my words or desires or needs shouldn't hold any more weight than anyone else's. I don't care who I am. I just want people to listen to what I say and accept or discard it based on that alone.

I just want to be honest and to try. My intentions are good.

I just... I have to be more vigilant. I can't betray those intentions, not now that I've come so far and have so much left to do for the community. I want to be judged based on how I present myself and not based on whatever odd perceptions of authority might come along with being Kai, administrator and consort to Archmage.

I don't always want to be the great and powerful Kai. I just want to help.

I have to start acting like it again.

...even if the Man is me.

Why is she so uptight all the time?

Why can't she just chill out and let people do things their own way?

What the hell gives her the right to say that we aren't working hard enough?

Where the hell is the justice in a situation where you can do more for this girl than someone else does, and it's still not good enough because it's not what she forces herself to do?

Doesn't she understand that people have lives and obligations aside from this one thing that's apparently so important to her?

Maybe we aren't all as interested in obsessing over this kind of thing. At that point it needs to be enough for her that we spend time and effort at all.

She's got no right to tell us we aren't good enough. To pressure us, to make us feel guilty for not being totally absorbed in the same things she is.

...

When did I get like this?

When I first got to the forum, I wanted very badly to show everyone that I wasn't just some stupid newbie, and that I could roleplay in chats and on boards, that I could develop interesting characters and write backstory that covered all the important stuff. That I could make fanart for my characters and characters I knew. Everything had to be right. Everything had to be perfect because if it wasn't....

If it wasn't, everyone would know. And they would judge me by my failures.

I refused to allow myself to present anything but my best work, creatively-speaking. I tried to do everything I could to get new people to come and contribute their ideas and their effort to a community that deserved to be found and enjoyed.

For the people already there... I tried to make sure that no one kept them from doing what they wanted. We're all adults and we all understand the value our standards hold.

When did I stop trusting people to uphold those standards without me bitching about it? When did my drive to offer my community the best of me become a desire to see the whole community as.... as my own personal project? When did I stop trying to give my best to the people I know and start trying to force everyone to conform to my standards?

When did I become Pervy? Have I? I was always a little afraid that I might.

Now that I'm an admin, I feel like it's even more important for me to keep an eye on these things. No one has to listen to me, and my words or desires or needs shouldn't hold any more weight than anyone else's. I don't care who I am. I just want people to listen to what I say and accept or discard it based on that alone.

I just want to be honest and to try. My intentions are good.

I just... I have to be more vigilant. I can't betray those intentions, not now that I've come so far and have so much left to do for the community. I want to be judged based on how I present myself and not based on whatever odd perceptions of authority might come along with being Kai, administrator and consort to Archmage.

I don't always want to be the great and powerful Kai. I just want to help.

I have to start acting like it again.

...even if the Man is me.

Why is she so uptight all the time?

Why can't she just chill out and let people do things their own way?

What the hell gives her the right to say that we aren't working hard enough?

Where the hell is the justice in a situation where you can do more for this girl than someone else does, and it's still not good enough because it's not what she forces herself to do?

Doesn't she understand that people have lives and obligations aside from this one thing that's apparently so important to her?

Maybe we aren't all as interested in obsessing over this kind of thing. At that point it needs to be enough for her that we spend time and effort at all.

She's got no right to tell us we aren't good enough. To pressure us, to make us feel guilty for not being totally absorbed in the same things she is.

...

When did I get like this?

When I first got to the forum, I wanted very badly to show everyone that I wasn't just some stupid newbie, and that I could roleplay in chats and on boards, that I could develop interesting characters and write backstory that covered all the important stuff. That I could make fanart for my characters and characters I knew. Everything had to be right. Everything had to be perfect because if it wasn't....

If it wasn't, everyone would know. And they would judge me by my failures.

I refused to allow myself to present anything but my best work, creatively-speaking. I tried to do everything I could to get new people to come and contribute their ideas and their effort to a community that deserved to be found and enjoyed.

For the people already there... I tried to make sure that no one kept them from doing what they wanted. We're all adults and we all understand the value our standards hold.

When did I stop trusting people to uphold those standards without me bitching about it? When did my drive to offer my community the best of me become a desire to see the whole community as.... as my own personal project? When did I stop trying to give my best to the people I know and start trying to force everyone to conform to my standards?

When did I become Pervy? Have I? I was always a little afraid that I might.

Now that I'm an admin, I feel like it's even more important for me to keep an eye on these things. No one has to listen to me, and my words or desires or needs shouldn't hold any more weight than anyone else's. I don't care who I am. I just want people to listen to what I say and accept or discard it based on that alone.

I just want to be honest and to try. My intentions are good.

I just... I have to be more vigilant. I can't betray those intentions, not now that I've come so far and have so much left to do for the community. I want to be judged based on how I present myself and not based on whatever odd perceptions of authority might come along with being Kai, administrator and consort to Archmage.

I don't always want to be the great and powerful Kai. I just want to help.

I have to start acting like it again.