You may ask me one question

[xenologer]

A conversation I was having with dirkke on his journal got me thinking about things that could probably stand to be said again. He mentioned that while honesty in a romantic relationship is vital, it's much less so in the case of friendship with others. I agreed with him saying that friendship is much more arbitrary than relationships are, and that total honesty would hardly make it less so.

He disagreed and made a good argument for the importance of interpersonal relations outside of romantic attachment. Despite the fact that it's a good argument, I'm going to disagree for my usual reasons.

My justification for this view is that it is probably a result of my tendency to micromanage every aspect of my social life to the point where, sure, I could get along with just about anyone. But if that's true, there's really no difference between working just a little and working a lot for the same thing. It's all work to me. Manipulation and careful social movements are work and are only rarely anything more than a good sporting challenge.

Friendship as it usually operates does seem arbitrary to me. I have literally hundreds of people I consider acquaintances, but very very few people I've found to be 'friends' simply because I'm constantly watching everything to make things more amusing or run more smoothly. It's hard to relax and call someone a friend when I'm always anticipating conversation so that ten minutes from now I'm still in control. It's probably why I'm so good at my job. I'm surrounded by prospects anyway. It's only at night I want money from any of them, and that's not much of a difference at all.

As a result, casual social interaction (what I've usually seen defined as friendship) doesn't mean jack shit to me. It's very difficult for someone to be more in my life than a person who listens and responds. I know it sounds cruel, but I don't mean it to be a value judgment about the basic human worth of the people around me. It doesn't actually bother me because it's a system that works well for me.

The only thing that bothers me is that no one believes me when I say it. It makes me sound like a cold, heartless, emotionless bitch. It makes me sound inhuman because it breaks with the way people like to see each other. Most of the people around me, for reasons I can't begin to understand, refuse to accept that this might be true.

Here's to saying it one more time and hoping that this time someone is paying attention. Social skills don't mean I care. They mean I get on quite well with other homo sapiens without caring.

Maybe the reason I have few 'friends' is that it's a natural tendency to assume that the people around you are something like you are. This makes things easier most of the time, and in most cases it is at least partly true. The assumption that my basic psychology follows the common pattern is erroneous, but makes it easier for people to identify with me and interact with me like they would anyone else. It's possible I've surrounded myself with people who find some comfort in their error.

Friendship is a saccharine thing to me. It's a non-nutritive sweetener that has nothing to do with the substance of my life.

I can never tell what my intentions are with entries like these. Perhaps after all there is some part of me that wants to be known and understood for what I am. Perhaps beneath all that I understand of myself there is a corner of my mind that wants to reveal what a cold and manipulative monstrosity I am. To destroy my lies and to be feared, to be hated or found disgusting. To be loved or not loved but to know which for once, for all.

On the other hand, I only write these entries out of frustration when I am at my most sadistic. For the sake of sadism and my own amusement I will alert you to the fact that you may never know why I've written this and posted it. It could and may be a small piece of some grand social campaign whose ends are nebulous and possibly sinister in their ultimate design.

Which motivation is true? I can't say. I mean, I can't and I can't. If you really want to know, if it really matters to you, you may ask. You may ask me one question but I always lie.

I suspect few questions are forthcoming, however. Assumptions are easier and I suspect they are all my beloved readers will walk away with even after all this.