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Blunted affect is a motherfucker.
I am working to break out of this ossified shit that has kept me rigidly controlled so that I don't flip out and become a terrible person. There is a low ceiling on anything that implies or requires intimacy and I need to loosen up. That is a risk. I need to be willing to take the risk of loosening too far, of getting carried away by impulse.
Unfortunately, if I keep my emotions in a cooler to be sorted through and pulled out always according to my own mental rules, they are far away when I want them. They might be further away than I can reach.
So how is this for an experiment. People ignore my feelings and that I have them and that I have any needs, because I keep myself under careful control so I don't become a terrible person. What would happen if I just straight-up told people when they are being shit? What would happen if I just said what was on my mind? What if I spoke the language they speak? Can they take what they dish out? Is it really how they want things to go? What if I just fuckin' gave it to them?
People don't believe they've hurt me until I bleed in a bowl and pour it on them.
Fine.
Maybe then I will spend less energy protecting everyone else from my feelings and a little more energy actually getting to feel any of the good ones. Maybe other people can protect themselves from me for a fucking change. Those whose emotional equilibrium is only sustainable as long as nobody else hits them too hard with an awareness of hurting someone? They can just fucking crumble. I am done.
I am working to break out of this ossified shit that has kept me rigidly controlled so that I don't flip out and become a terrible person. There is a low ceiling on anything that implies or requires intimacy and I need to loosen up. That is a risk. I need to be willing to take the risk of loosening too far, of getting carried away by impulse.
Unfortunately, if I keep my emotions in a cooler to be sorted through and pulled out always according to my own mental rules, they are far away when I want them. They might be further away than I can reach.
So how is this for an experiment. People ignore my feelings and that I have them and that I have any needs, because I keep myself under careful control so I don't become a terrible person. What would happen if I just straight-up told people when they are being shit? What would happen if I just said what was on my mind? What if I spoke the language they speak? Can they take what they dish out? Is it really how they want things to go? What if I just fuckin' gave it to them?
People don't believe they've hurt me until I bleed in a bowl and pour it on them.
Fine.
Maybe then I will spend less energy protecting everyone else from my feelings and a little more energy actually getting to feel any of the good ones. Maybe other people can protect themselves from me for a fucking change. Those whose emotional equilibrium is only sustainable as long as nobody else hits them too hard with an awareness of hurting someone? They can just fucking crumble. I am done.
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no subject
Date: 2014-10-30 06:13 pm (UTC)From:(hugs available)
I was under the impression you were already doing that, and that everyone was like, Go You, until the day they themselves were on the receiving end, at which point you were suddenly Queen Bitch of Turd Mountain.
I mean...you've never seemed to me to be shy about making your feelings known. Not on your blogs, anyhow. Real life may vary.
In this forum, at least, your core of basic kindness and respect for others comes across right away, as does your frustration that so many other people fail to extend you the same courtesies that you consider part of the basic obligation that comes with having a brain and a conscience.
If there's anything I can do to help, you know how to message me, here or on FB.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-05 01:40 am (UTC)From:I know this situation! I was always 'the strong one' and telling someone that they hurt me just didn't register. Awful.
I'm glad you have decided to reclaim your emotions. You have a right to feel and to express it.