The Cost of Racism

Great essay from ResistRacism.com.

In a second instance, I had taken a neighbor’s daughter to the park. She is the same color as I am. While we were there, she was playing with a little white girl who offered the information that she was four years old. I could not see any parent or caretaker with her. We were there for about an hour and a half. Nobody was watching the little girl. And I knew what I should have done–I should have taken her to the authorities and reported that she had been left alone in a public park for an extended period of time.

But I didn’t.

When we left, the little girl began to follow. And then I became really distraught. I didn’t want to leave her alone, but I couldn’t stay. I knew what I should do. But once again I felt an extreme awareness of being a person of color with a white child. I told the little girl she should stay in the park. She continued to tag along. And then a white woman approached from the opposite direction.

When she saw us, she became furious. “GET AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE!” she screamed at the little girl.

So it was okay to leave a small child unattended in a public park as long as “those people” were not around. (...)

I realized that in both situations, I was afraid of doing the right thing because I was afraid my actions would be misinterpreted. I should note that they have been misinterpreted in the past, and it is this history that affects my actions today. Was it reasonable to be afraid of my neighbor? Was it reasonable to be so tentative with his children? And what about the little girl in the park?

This made me so sad to read. But I thought it was important, so I linked it here, even if I know it's probably kind of a downer for your respective blogrolls. Still important.

The Cost of Racism

Great essay from ResistRacism.com.

In a second instance, I had taken a neighbor’s daughter to the park. She is the same color as I am. While we were there, she was playing with a little white girl who offered the information that she was four years old. I could not see any parent or caretaker with her. We were there for about an hour and a half. Nobody was watching the little girl. And I knew what I should have done–I should have taken her to the authorities and reported that she had been left alone in a public park for an extended period of time.

But I didn’t.

When we left, the little girl began to follow. And then I became really distraught. I didn’t want to leave her alone, but I couldn’t stay. I knew what I should do. But once again I felt an extreme awareness of being a person of color with a white child. I told the little girl she should stay in the park. She continued to tag along. And then a white woman approached from the opposite direction.

When she saw us, she became furious. “GET AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE!” she screamed at the little girl.

So it was okay to leave a small child unattended in a public park as long as “those people” were not around. (...)

I realized that in both situations, I was afraid of doing the right thing because I was afraid my actions would be misinterpreted. I should note that they have been misinterpreted in the past, and it is this history that affects my actions today. Was it reasonable to be afraid of my neighbor? Was it reasonable to be so tentative with his children? And what about the little girl in the park?

This made me so sad to read. But I thought it was important, so I linked it here, even if I know it's probably kind of a downer for your respective blogrolls. Still important.

The Cost of Racism

Great essay from ResistRacism.com.

In a second instance, I had taken a neighbor’s daughter to the park. She is the same color as I am. While we were there, she was playing with a little white girl who offered the information that she was four years old. I could not see any parent or caretaker with her. We were there for about an hour and a half. Nobody was watching the little girl. And I knew what I should have done–I should have taken her to the authorities and reported that she had been left alone in a public park for an extended period of time.

But I didn’t.

When we left, the little girl began to follow. And then I became really distraught. I didn’t want to leave her alone, but I couldn’t stay. I knew what I should do. But once again I felt an extreme awareness of being a person of color with a white child. I told the little girl she should stay in the park. She continued to tag along. And then a white woman approached from the opposite direction.

When she saw us, she became furious. “GET AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE!” she screamed at the little girl.

So it was okay to leave a small child unattended in a public park as long as “those people” were not around. (...)

I realized that in both situations, I was afraid of doing the right thing because I was afraid my actions would be misinterpreted. I should note that they have been misinterpreted in the past, and it is this history that affects my actions today. Was it reasonable to be afraid of my neighbor? Was it reasonable to be so tentative with his children? And what about the little girl in the park?

This made me so sad to read. But I thought it was important, so I linked it here, even if I know it's probably kind of a downer for your respective blogrolls. Still important.

Writer's Block: Deal or No Deal

[Error: unknown template qotd] Not monogamously-oriented. It's fine for people to have openly non-monogamous relationships. Just not ones involving me. Some people need non-monogamous relationships, but I shouldn't be dating them.

Poor problem-solvers. If my partner cannot sit and have a face-to-face discussion with me about our rough patches, and if they cannot do so rationally and productively... it's not worth it. I know people who get in real spitting cursing nasty fights with their partners, and I'm sorry. But no. If I have to fight with my guy because he's infuckingcapable of accomplishing actual problem-solving... he's not worth my time, and I shouldn't be dating him.

Hypocrisy. Not necessarily the hypocrisy itself, since everyone has moments where their reasoning is inconsistent, but being unbothered by hypocrisy is a dealbreaker. If the fact that my partner is grossly unfair when it comes to their expectations of others and of me... no. Not going to keep them in a position to shape my life. archmage_brian  and I have discussed the fact that most of the people we consider intolerably "stupid" are hypocrites (though the causality on that is still up for debate--whether they're hypocrites because they don't think well, or whether they don't think well because they're hypocrites). If I think someone is "stupid," I shouldn't be dating him. 

Lack of reflexivity. This is related to the hypocrisy thing, and the problem solving thing. Often it's the root problem that destroys both. When my partner cannot honestly evaluate his behavior (and I've only dated men, so it's always been "he"), there is no point in attempting to clear with him about our problems in the good problem-solver, conflict-resolution, women's-empowerment-circle sort of way. Because even if I say what I feel, what I'm thinking, and what would make me feel better, if I'm talking to someone who doesn't even pay attention to himself, how can I expect them to care what's going on with me? If I can't expect the same amount of thought and reasoning with regard to our relationship as I am putting into it... I shouldn't be dating him.

So I guess these (with the exception of the first) come down to problem-solving style. To me it's the most important compatibility issue with a couple. More than religion, more than sexual lifestyle, more than political background, more than whether they agree about whether to have kids (and I've faced all of these). All couples will not deal with these hitches, but all couples will have problems. People who deal with problems by slinging venomous personal insults should date someone who appreciates and responds to that--since someone out there has to dig it, right? People who verbalize and problem-solve should be dating other people oriented toward that as well, people who won't think they're too "confrontational" because they confront problems (as opposed to not confronting them, I guess).

I don't think problem-solving approaches can be mix/matched. Of course I'm inclined to think that my way is best (since if I didn't I wouldn't be doing it), but I'll be a good and fair reporter and say that--even assuming all problem-solving approaches are equal in worth--those approaches are often incompatible in very fundamental and essential ways. As a result, the couple that can't solve problems together is a couple that will have problems as long as they're together that don't get solved. And uh... hell no. If that's my future with a significant other, once again... I should not be dating him.

Incompatible problem-solving approach is my biggest dealbreaker. It's been a dealbreaker for me before, and I see no reason to stop ending relationships that come up against this roadblock. It's one of those things that cannot be resolved without at least one of the people involved changing the way they do things, and I don't believe in dating someone with a caveat like, "--as long as they change X." If I would have to change him to be fulfilled with him, I clearly don't really like him, do I?

So yeah. Insurmountable, in my experience. Couples should be able to solve their problems in a style that works for both of them, and if those styles are incompatible, someone has to change. And if I want to change him or he wants to change me so that we can be acceptable to one another... what the hell are we doing?

Writer's Block: Deal or No Deal

[Error: unknown template qotd] Not monogamously-oriented. It's fine for people to have openly non-monogamous relationships. Just not ones involving me. Some people need non-monogamous relationships, but I shouldn't be dating them.

Poor problem-solvers. If my partner cannot sit and have a face-to-face discussion with me about our rough patches, and if they cannot do so rationally and productively... it's not worth it. I know people who get in real spitting cursing nasty fights with their partners, and I'm sorry. But no. If I have to fight with my guy because he's infuckingcapable of accomplishing actual problem-solving... he's not worth my time, and I shouldn't be dating him.

Hypocrisy. Not necessarily the hypocrisy itself, since everyone has moments where their reasoning is inconsistent, but being unbothered by hypocrisy is a dealbreaker. If the fact that my partner is grossly unfair when it comes to their expectations of others and of me... no. Not going to keep them in a position to shape my life. archmage_brian  and I have discussed the fact that most of the people we consider intolerably "stupid" are hypocrites (though the causality on that is still up for debate--whether they're hypocrites because they don't think well, or whether they don't think well because they're hypocrites). If I think someone is "stupid," I shouldn't be dating him. 

Lack of reflexivity. This is related to the hypocrisy thing, and the problem solving thing. Often it's the root problem that destroys both. When my partner cannot honestly evaluate his behavior (and I've only dated men, so it's always been "he"), there is no point in attempting to clear with him about our problems in the good problem-solver, conflict-resolution, women's-empowerment-circle sort of way. Because even if I say what I feel, what I'm thinking, and what would make me feel better, if I'm talking to someone who doesn't even pay attention to himself, how can I expect them to care what's going on with me? If I can't expect the same amount of thought and reasoning with regard to our relationship as I am putting into it... I shouldn't be dating him.

So I guess these (with the exception of the first) come down to problem-solving style. To me it's the most important compatibility issue with a couple. More than religion, more than sexual lifestyle, more than political background, more than whether they agree about whether to have kids (and I've faced all of these). All couples will not deal with these hitches, but all couples will have problems. People who deal with problems by slinging venomous personal insults should date someone who appreciates and responds to that--since someone out there has to dig it, right? People who verbalize and problem-solve should be dating other people oriented toward that as well, people who won't think they're too "confrontational" because they confront problems (as opposed to not confronting them, I guess).

I don't think problem-solving approaches can be mix/matched. Of course I'm inclined to think that my way is best (since if I didn't I wouldn't be doing it), but I'll be a good and fair reporter and say that--even assuming all problem-solving approaches are equal in worth--those approaches are often incompatible in very fundamental and essential ways. As a result, the couple that can't solve problems together is a couple that will have problems as long as they're together that don't get solved. And uh... hell no. If that's my future with a significant other, once again... I should not be dating him.

Incompatible problem-solving approach is my biggest dealbreaker. It's been a dealbreaker for me before, and I see no reason to stop ending relationships that come up against this roadblock. It's one of those things that cannot be resolved without at least one of the people involved changing the way they do things, and I don't believe in dating someone with a caveat like, "--as long as they change X." If I would have to change him to be fulfilled with him, I clearly don't really like him, do I?

So yeah. Insurmountable, in my experience. Couples should be able to solve their problems in a style that works for both of them, and if those styles are incompatible, someone has to change. And if I want to change him or he wants to change me so that we can be acceptable to one another... what the hell are we doing?

Writer's Block: Deal or No Deal

[Error: unknown template qotd] Not monogamously-oriented. It's fine for people to have openly non-monogamous relationships. Just not ones involving me. Some people need non-monogamous relationships, but I shouldn't be dating them.

Poor problem-solvers. If my partner cannot sit and have a face-to-face discussion with me about our rough patches, and if they cannot do so rationally and productively... it's not worth it. I know people who get in real spitting cursing nasty fights with their partners, and I'm sorry. But no. If I have to fight with my guy because he's infuckingcapable of accomplishing actual problem-solving... he's not worth my time, and I shouldn't be dating him.

Hypocrisy. Not necessarily the hypocrisy itself, since everyone has moments where their reasoning is inconsistent, but being unbothered by hypocrisy is a dealbreaker. If the fact that my partner is grossly unfair when it comes to their expectations of others and of me... no. Not going to keep them in a position to shape my life. archmage_brian  and I have discussed the fact that most of the people we consider intolerably "stupid" are hypocrites (though the causality on that is still up for debate--whether they're hypocrites because they don't think well, or whether they don't think well because they're hypocrites). If I think someone is "stupid," I shouldn't be dating him. 

Lack of reflexivity. This is related to the hypocrisy thing, and the problem solving thing. Often it's the root problem that destroys both. When my partner cannot honestly evaluate his behavior (and I've only dated men, so it's always been "he"), there is no point in attempting to clear with him about our problems in the good problem-solver, conflict-resolution, women's-empowerment-circle sort of way. Because even if I say what I feel, what I'm thinking, and what would make me feel better, if I'm talking to someone who doesn't even pay attention to himself, how can I expect them to care what's going on with me? If I can't expect the same amount of thought and reasoning with regard to our relationship as I am putting into it... I shouldn't be dating him.

So I guess these (with the exception of the first) come down to problem-solving style. To me it's the most important compatibility issue with a couple. More than religion, more than sexual lifestyle, more than political background, more than whether they agree about whether to have kids (and I've faced all of these). All couples will not deal with these hitches, but all couples will have problems. People who deal with problems by slinging venomous personal insults should date someone who appreciates and responds to that--since someone out there has to dig it, right? People who verbalize and problem-solve should be dating other people oriented toward that as well, people who won't think they're too "confrontational" because they confront problems (as opposed to not confronting them, I guess).

I don't think problem-solving approaches can be mix/matched. Of course I'm inclined to think that my way is best (since if I didn't I wouldn't be doing it), but I'll be a good and fair reporter and say that--even assuming all problem-solving approaches are equal in worth--those approaches are often incompatible in very fundamental and essential ways. As a result, the couple that can't solve problems together is a couple that will have problems as long as they're together that don't get solved. And uh... hell no. If that's my future with a significant other, once again... I should not be dating him.

Incompatible problem-solving approach is my biggest dealbreaker. It's been a dealbreaker for me before, and I see no reason to stop ending relationships that come up against this roadblock. It's one of those things that cannot be resolved without at least one of the people involved changing the way they do things, and I don't believe in dating someone with a caveat like, "--as long as they change X." If I would have to change him to be fulfilled with him, I clearly don't really like him, do I?

So yeah. Insurmountable, in my experience. Couples should be able to solve their problems in a style that works for both of them, and if those styles are incompatible, someone has to change. And if I want to change him or he wants to change me so that we can be acceptable to one another... what the hell are we doing?