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This is all such a waste.
My mother is making me leave the house at night when they go to bed. I have to go out to my room now no matter when they retire. Don't get me wrong, I like living in the pool house. But I can't be online at night now without making a huge production out of it, and she bitches if I'm 'on that computer all day just like Mitch. I fucking hate that computer. All he ever does is play that game and I never see him and nothing ever gets done and I'm so fucking sick and tired of it." This goes on for another ten minutes until she gets tired, has something else to do or finds something else to bitch about.
Also, she bitches if I go out to my room to play final fantasy. That should tell you how hard up I am for effective escapism up here. Mindless repetitive leveling-up is preferable to anything else going on.
This is just such a waste. Where are those people who enjoy their vacations? Where are those people who look forward to going home from school so they can relax? Where are these people and why aren't any of them me?
We went shopping for food yesterday for four hours. Four hours of her bitching, both of them dithering about and Mitch wandering off because he doesn't want to be around her any more than I do. That kind of shit just drains the life right out of me. People wonder why I forgo emotions up here. I just don't have the energy for any of it. This is the kind of thing that saps the will to live right out of me until I'm just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a good day, waiting for an open argument at least, waiting to be hit by a car. Anything.
Such a waste.
My mother is making me leave the house at night when they go to bed. I have to go out to my room now no matter when they retire. Don't get me wrong, I like living in the pool house. But I can't be online at night now without making a huge production out of it, and she bitches if I'm 'on that computer all day just like Mitch. I fucking hate that computer. All he ever does is play that game and I never see him and nothing ever gets done and I'm so fucking sick and tired of it." This goes on for another ten minutes until she gets tired, has something else to do or finds something else to bitch about.
Also, she bitches if I go out to my room to play final fantasy. That should tell you how hard up I am for effective escapism up here. Mindless repetitive leveling-up is preferable to anything else going on.
This is just such a waste. Where are those people who enjoy their vacations? Where are those people who look forward to going home from school so they can relax? Where are these people and why aren't any of them me?
We went shopping for food yesterday for four hours. Four hours of her bitching, both of them dithering about and Mitch wandering off because he doesn't want to be around her any more than I do. That kind of shit just drains the life right out of me. People wonder why I forgo emotions up here. I just don't have the energy for any of it. This is the kind of thing that saps the will to live right out of me until I'm just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a good day, waiting for an open argument at least, waiting to be hit by a car. Anything.
Such a waste.
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-12 07:48 pm (UTC)From:You... should probably work towards some alternative to spending any time at all whatsoever with your family if what you're actually looking for is relaxation. Not that that's easy, but it really sounds like it'd be a worthwhile venture.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-13 12:40 pm (UTC)From:Very few things keep me calm when she talks to me like that. I won't tell you what goes through my head, but the fact that I can't write it out publicly ought to tell you something.
I'm tired of feeling like a stranger here, and being treated like I'm not wanted. On top of that, if I'm not up here for breaks, I get all these guilt trips about how I think I'm off at college and I'm grown up and don't have to answer to anyone and who do I think I am... etc.
I would like to be the first person in my family to finish a college education. I think I have a chance and she hates it. She fucked things up for herself, and now that I might be surpassing her (because maybe I don't want to be a secretary for 20 years), she has to find ways to make me feel like none of it's worth anything.
Then she tells me she's proud of me.
Whatever.