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No one can speak for all women, but I think it's good to speak for the women who constantly get shut down when we try to explain why "benevolent" sexism is still messed up and not okay.
If you are a woman who disagrees with this, congratulations on agreeing with the dominant narrative. Our culture is clearly more comfortable for you than it has been for most of the women I know, and I'll be happy for your good fortune if you will let someone express a more critical perspective.
Reader letter to the FeministDisney tumblr, and FD's answer.
If you are a woman who disagrees with this, congratulations on agreeing with the dominant narrative. Our culture is clearly more comfortable for you than it has been for most of the women I know, and I'll be happy for your good fortune if you will let someone express a more critical perspective.
Reader letter to the FeministDisney tumblr, and FD's answer.
And so if a guy likes me I don’t really hold it against them that maybe they’re covering their bases by saying they can pay for it, even if that in itself tends to make me uncofortable since you have to go through this longass routine of “no, really, I’LL pay for it” “NO I insist!” blah blah.
What I do pay attention to- and judge- is the way they respond to my polite request to pay for myself. I don’t honestly want to be with someone who thinks that “men always should pay first” is enough of a reason to keep insisting on it, because that’s really low on my list of social conventions that I want to buy into and indicates that we’re probably not going to see eye-to-eye on a large range of social subjects.
This is about men who insist on paying for a woman's meal even though she's telling him clearly that she likes to pay for herself. It's generalizable beyond that, though. The takeaway message in my opinion is that you are going to be very bad at doing people favors if to do so you have to override someone's comfort level and assume they aren't qualified to decide what they want.. 
Offering to pay? Despite the kinda screwy assumptions behind it, it's a nice gesture. Some women will appreciate it, so go ahead and ask if it'll make you feel good. Insisting on paying because you're going to do her a favor whether she likes it or not? Now you're a jackass.
What you see:
What we see:
Pro strategy from me to you: If you take it as an insult when a woman offers to do something for you (like pick up the tab, or open a door for you) because you are offended to be treated "like a woman," consider whether you really respect the people YOU do those things for. And before you say, "no guys really do that," think twice before you No True Scotsman a woman who's seen it.
I'm not kidding. Don't tell me men don't do that. You will just be proving that no you really do not think women know shit about shit and I will find you.
.
People should do nice things for people. If it would threaten your fragile masculinity to have a woman do something for you if she could and if she gave enough of a damn about you to offer, have a good long think about what you're getting at when you do that thing for her.
If you aren't sure, just ask, dudes. Believe it or not, women can be reasoned with and we might actually have a decent idea of what we want. You'll have much better luck figuring out what the woman you are talking to might appreciate if you interact with her like she is a sapient creature than if you retreat and ask men what they think of what Women want. If you really think you're going to start a relationship with me assuming from day one that we will never be able to relate because I am too inhuman to be intelligible to you, a male normal person, I'm going to see the tone that will set and tell you to fuck off, and I might not explain why.
After all, apparently when I talk about extremely important shit like what I am comfortable with and where my boundaries are, this is what you see and hear:
.
Yeah. That looks like a really satisfying role. Let me just get right on that you virtuous knight you. I have never felt more respected and cherished in all my life.
As usual there's a copy of this rant over here that you can share if for some reason this is ever a useful .gifspam.
.
Offering to pay? Despite the kinda screwy assumptions behind it, it's a nice gesture. Some women will appreciate it, so go ahead and ask if it'll make you feel good. Insisting on paying because you're going to do her a favor whether she likes it or not? Now you're a jackass.
What you see:
.
.
What we see:
.
.
Pro strategy from me to you: If you take it as an insult when a woman offers to do something for you (like pick up the tab, or open a door for you) because you are offended to be treated "like a woman," consider whether you really respect the people YOU do those things for. And before you say, "no guys really do that," think twice before you No True Scotsman a woman who's seen it.
I'm not kidding. Don't tell me men don't do that. You will just be proving that no you really do not think women know shit about shit and I will find you.
.
People should do nice things for people. If it would threaten your fragile masculinity to have a woman do something for you if she could and if she gave enough of a damn about you to offer, have a good long think about what you're getting at when you do that thing for her.
If you aren't sure, just ask, dudes. Believe it or not, women can be reasoned with and we might actually have a decent idea of what we want. You'll have much better luck figuring out what the woman you are talking to might appreciate if you interact with her like she is a sapient creature than if you retreat and ask men what they think of what Women want. If you really think you're going to start a relationship with me assuming from day one that we will never be able to relate because I am too inhuman to be intelligible to you, a male normal person, I'm going to see the tone that will set and tell you to fuck off, and I might not explain why.
After all, apparently when I talk about extremely important shit like what I am comfortable with and where my boundaries are, this is what you see and hear:
.
Yeah. That looks like a really satisfying role. Let me just get right on that you virtuous knight you. I have never felt more respected and cherished in all my life.
As usual there's a copy of this rant over here that you can share if for some reason this is ever a useful .gifspam.
