Me.

[Error: unknown template qotd] Ten years ago I was thirteen, and angry all the time, and not like all thirteen year olds are angry. I hated everyone my age for being too stupid to relate to, and most adults for being too stupid to realize they could relate to me if they tried. I was angry all the time because I was stuck with my mother, with no way out in sight. Waiting for graduation, since before I was even a teenager. I wanted to lash out, to destroy some little piece of the world just to prove to it that I was there, that I wasn't helpless. I could affect things, damn it, and people were never going to pretend that I couldn't, that I was nothing.

This got better as I got into high school. I got outside the cliques and talked to whomever I fucking pleased once I learned that no matter how scared of you or threatened by you people are, no matter how bright you have the nerve to be, if you make people laugh... they can't hate you.

That was the start of things getting better. I found a way to relate to people that didn't require them to be as smart as I was. But it wasn't over. I got used a lot by people who didn't realize that there was a person beneath the sarcasm, that there was a woman beneath the laughter. So they assumed I could take anything, that nothing could bother me just because I didn't let my problems bother them.

A lot of this didn't go away until I got to college. I got free. I drew out my own space, and earned the right to say finally and with no room for argument who is allowed to be in that space. I could finally kick out people who hurt me, but I could also make room for the ones I could trust. It was finally in my hands.

My temper is a lot better. I deal with frustration better than I used to, and I'm improving as I get used to the idea that I'm in control of my life. No longer is being thwarted a symptom of a larger blight on my existence. It just... happens.

archmage_brian deserves a lot of credit for this. I badly needed someone fair and rational enough to have a good perspective on the relationship between us, because previously I'd only had two kinds of people. The first was the typical backstabbing high school twit, and when these sorts of childish individuals had a problem with anyone, that person was always the last to know. So of course, a lot of gossip was spread without any problems getting solved. The second could only be described as a henchman. There were people in high school so in awe of... of something about me that they'd basically do whatever I told them. I don't get it either, but I found them terribly dull.

Brian was neither. He was honest, and told me what I needed to hear to do personal work... not what I needed to hear to believe that I was without flaw. He could like me without worshiping me, love me without ignoring the fact that I still had (and have) work to do. Because I've had someone around who can love me and still see me as I am, I've had the partner I needed to get a lot of shit done... or at least begun.

The biggest change is that now I have the power to control my space, and now I don't need to be angry anymore. I can kick harmful people out without being angry at them, merely comfortable with the necessity of their absence. I can invite people in without having to be angry at how long it takes, because I've been tested and found that I can trust my own judgment.

I know the right things to do. And I have the power to do them.

And I don't need to be angry anymore.

I'm more ruthless about drawing my boundaries, because I'm more dedicated to taking care of myself. But I think it has made me a better person. A stronger person. Anybody who disagrees probably liked me better weak, and I don't trust anybody who would rather have weak friends than strong ones, rather have friends who tear themselves apart for other people than take care of themselves.

I know better. People who love me for what I love in myself know better. I'm better than I used to be, and as long as I stay strong and have people like archmage_brian at my side, it's only uphill from here. That's an awesome thing to look forward to.