Manipulation.

[xenologer]

People have told me I have good people skills.

Other people phrase this differently. They say I'm manipulative. Perhaps they believe that I'm corralling them into terrible little destiny-destroying social boxes of doom. Perhaps they believe that my political games are so complex, thorough, and generally arcane that they are willing to attribute any misfortune to my meddling.

Sure, I misunderstand you terribly. Sure, the only reason everybody else happens to misunderstand you in exactly the same way is that I have poisoned them against you.

Some people feel that I've used my mistaken understanding of them to twist the whole universe against them. What people don't seem to want to think about is this: I can't manipulate you if I don't understand you.

Maybe it's possible to manipulate a person without grokking them on some kind of meaningful level, but that's not how I operate.

Accuse me of using my understanding of you to tear your life apart. Accuse me of misunderstanding you, and acting mistakenly. Please, though, don't accuse me of these things simultaneously. Your awed and horrified faith in my ability to corrupt and assimilate the people around me is touching, truly, but it's not really realistic.

Maybe you're just an asshole, and maybe I'm just the one who finally made a convincing argument to that end.

I guess it's a painful thing to think about, that someone can understand you and not like you. We cling as long as we can to the desperate hope that if "they" only understood where we were coming from, if "they" only understood what we were really thinking, that "they" would love us as much as we love ourselves.

Not always gonna happen, people. Sometimes people will understand you pretty well, and sometimes... you'll wish they didn't. Who knows, perhaps they'll be wishing it, too.

Comments

giraffe

[e-mily.livejournal.com]

I demand to see your voodoo box of magic that you keep hidden in the closet.

Re: giraffe

[virginia-fell.livejournal.com]

Nooo! That's private! I keep my vibrator in there!

Re: giraffe

[e-mily.livejournal.com]

You realize this only perks my interest more.

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Hmmmph. If someone thinks someone else is manipulative, they are always free to not go along with it.

[virginia-fell.livejournal.com]

Unless that someone is me! In which case my superhuman psychic coercive abilities are far beyond the ability of any mere mortal to resist.

[elorie.livejournal.com]

It's true, I can feel them from here.

I attract pompous know-it-alls who feel the need to argue with me about shit I have degrees in and they don't. And then when I have no patience with that nonsense, whine about how mean and rude I am to them. At least, that's what I had a run-in with today. Dude quoted Wikipedia at me. Yes, he did.

I'll trade my pompous trifler for your Nice Guy. Or not. Maybe we could just lead them both into the swamp and leave them there for the alligators.

[virginia-fell.livejournal.com]

Actually, eh heh heh. He did that to me, too. Lectured me about human nature and made various bizarre statements about how he can't be expected to treat me the way I demand because men have to compete with each other over prized females and that's just the way we evolved.

So the gators are looking pretty fucking good, tell you what. Let's take 'em both. I'm sure if we take our tops off they'll follow us anywhere! :D

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Oh, ye gods and little fishes. One of those.

I wrote a poem about alligators recently. They are on my mind.

[ardent-firesong.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you could just as easily use the most recent issue of "Playboy".

Or, failing that, you evidently have OMGWhoa powers of persuasion. You should be able to just talk them over to the gators' tender mercy.

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

You get extra points on your bingo card when they quote Wikipedia at you, you know that?

And DOUBLE if it turns out they contributed that part of the wiki entry themselves.

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

Seems to me, "manipulative" is one of those characteristics like "thrifty" or "selfish", that covers a broad continuum of behavior. A certain amount of it is praiseworthy and necessary for functioning, and it can also be taken to an unhealthy degree.

If there's something you want, how do you get it? Arguing that you have a right to it is manipulative. Offering to trade something for it is manipulative. Appeal to reason, or to emotion, or to ridicule, or any kind of discussion or persuasion, is manipulative. Doesn't make it bad. In fact, most would agree it's a better alternative than taking by force or stealth.

At its worst, manipulation involves fraud, coercion, illogic, hiding the truth, throwing tantrums, threatening suicide, hypnotism, you get the idea. That doesn't seem like it fits you. Seems to me that truth is your weapon of choice and that you're among the most likely people I know to clearly explain what you want, what you're doing to get it, and why. While that is arguably a form of "manipulation", seems to me that's the good kind, the best alternative in a game you pretty much are required to play in order to get by. Harmful manipulators either actively try to fool people into thinking that they're doing something else, or have bullshitted themselves into thinking they're not manipulative.

Seems to me, a lot of people who accuse others of being manipulative may be hiding from the realization that the right thing to do is outside their comfort zone, and don't like it, and are really arguing with their own conscience as much as with the person they're accusing.

PS: This is about him again, isn't it?

[virginia-fell.livejournal.com]

He's just one of many. It's a pattern. People who feel outmaneuvered by very basic skills such as stating what I need and why, or explaining why something bothers me, tend to attribute the disparity to my superhuman mastermind powers instead of their own deficiencies.

[e-mily.livejournal.com]

.....I want to have my recent issues blamed on my superhuman psychic powers.

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

It gets lonely at the top, doesn't it? What you see as basic commonsense reasoning and communicating abilities the mere mortals see as supernatural powers from Planet Vulcan.

[ardent-firesong.livejournal.com]

Yes, and the pond scum sees it as the allmighty powers of god, apparently.

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

You'd think they'd be a little more respectful and differential to a god...if there's one thing I've noticed about pond scum, it's that they tend to be faith-based.

Maybe they see it as shocking *usurpation* of power when someone other than a white Alpha Male does it...

[ardent-firesong.livejournal.com]

That would make sense.

[ardent-firesong.livejournal.com]

Let me guess....someone is getting pissy because the people around him are (FINALLY!!!) realizing that what he's been doing for the past decade is really Not Cool and are taking him to task for it? And is behaving like a whiny, petulant child who is the tragic, misunderstood Nice Guy?

I hope you've still got that beatin' stick.

[virginia-fell.livejournal.com]

I've always got mah whuppin' stick. Keep it in the trunk so it's ready anywhere I go!

[cernowain.livejournal.com]

Manipulation is about winning, or having to win, and having dominance/power over the other. I don't think you have to grok or understanding the other, you only need to perceive their weaknesses before going for the jugular.

Dialog, on the other hand, is not about win/lose, its about seeking the truth whatever that may turn out to be, and then its honest dialog. It also contains a hope that we will all benefit from the experience of seeking truth together, even if it starts out confrontationally.

bb,

Cern

[nakibe.livejournal.com]

Wait, what? Poisonous manipulation powers? I assume they travel through the 'nets in one's typing, or crawl into the curls and swirls of one's writing, right? Seriously?

... I can't help but want to make a character out of this. Perhaps some sort of pen-wielding superhero? Uses the power of the SPOKEN or WRITTEN WORD to destroy his enemies? Hmm. In the meantime, perhaps I could interest this person in our new fall line of tinfoil hats, just came in last week! :D!

Also while I'm posting train-of-thought bits here, I second the suggestion of alligators, but would suggest some manner of store mannikin boob for the job of luring them into the swamp.

[kayay.livejournal.com]

You are a goddess and we are all but pawns upon your playing board of life. *angst*

It feels good when others finally see what you knew all along. Would be feel better to post a big "I TOLD YOU SO!" but of course that'd be frowned upon. Still, you can do it here.

Too often the Not-So-Nice-Guy doesn't take it as evidence of his own douchbaggary but as proof that the you were out to get him and poisoning others' opinions (rather than opening their eyes) too.