"Awkward" Creepers

[xenologer]

So when women are like, "Hey don't sexually harass me," there are always people who say, "But I am so awkward/autistic that I cannot tell the difference between harassment and flirting BAWWWWW you are so ablist BAWWWWWWW."

No, awkwardness is no excuse.

Tell it, Captain Awkward.

If you alert someone to an unwelcome behavior, and the person keeps doing that thing and/or angrily arguing that they shouldn’t have to change anything, the problem is not Asperger’s. Even if they do have Asperger’s. People with Asperger’s can knowingly or unknowingly violate someone’s boundaries. They can also have their boundaries violated! A lot of people who are Very Worried About The Aspies do not themselves have Asperger’s and are using this as a straw man to derail the conversation away from their own behaviors. They’re also insulting people with Asperger’s by assuming that even close to a statistically significant portion of creepy behavior can be blamed on them. Who’s able-ist now?

I hate how people who sexually harass people and persist in ignoring boundaries hide behind (or are hidden behind by others) "social awkwardness" as though there were any degree of awkwardness that could recontextualize "no" to mean "yes." If you come to this comment thread to explain that Asperger's is why you shouldn't have to stop scaring the women you hit on, I hope every boundary-respecting Aspie on my friends list punches you in the mouth.

Also, all of the men I know who have persisted in sexually harassing women and then been sheltered by mutual friends have actually been entirely socially savvy... when it comes to situations and people they actually give a shit about.

For example, any harasser who has managed to surround himself with enablers who'll say "oh he's just awkward so he can't change" and targets who'll say "well there's no way to get him to stop so I'll just shut up and try not to make drama over it" is a harasser who is actually very very good at what he does, socially. He gets away with sexually harassing people precisely because he is not awkward.

What he is... is a man who doesn't believe that women are qualified to define and defend our own boundaries, and who has figured out what kinds of people to keep around him so that he doesn't EVER have to feel real pressure to adjust his behavior. And THAT is not the behavior of a man who's bad with social cues. He's just a man who is bad.

This rant can also be found at Dissent of a Woman. That's the linkable public version, mostly because there are people on my friends list who know some of the creepers I am talking about and their privacy may be a factor here, too.

Comments

[victustempestas.livejournal.com]

Amen to everything in this.

I have a lot of rage when people try to pull the socially awkward/anxious/inept/Aspie card to get out of the fact that they've behaved inappropriately and made someone uncomfortable. Once I can forgive, especially if they are apologetic and explain that they have a condition such as Asperger's. After that, however, if there is no effort to change said behavior? The person is just being rude, cognitive issues or no.

There was this guy that went to my college last year who was, to put it kindly, a complete douchebag. I actually didn't see it at first because the first time we had a conversation he was fairly animated and interesting. A friend of mine who had been there at the same time, however, strongly disliked him. After further interaction with him, I discovered why.

He is one of those men who thinks that any woman who is even remotely friendly is being sexually receptive. I told him not once but several times over the course of the term we were in school together that I do not like hugs. Every time I saw him raise his arms for one I put both of mine up and took a full step backwards and said, "No thank you!" The last time he tried it he got incredibly upset (apparently, he didn't do it to my face but I heard from others that he was being unkind about me behind my back) because he'd managed to get close enough without my noticing that his arms were almost around me before I put mine up and physically had to distance myself from him, firmly saying, "No."

The person he was complaining to was a friend of mine named Sean who actually does have Asperger's. Sean is one of the sweetest, funniest guys I have ever met and even if there are hiccups in socializing? He makes the concerted effort to learn from every interaction. When he told me that this other guy was having social 'issues', he did not make excuses for him because Sean knows that there's no real excuse to make. Everyone else who heard the other guy talk, however, just thought I was being a frigid bitch.

So yeah. There is no excuse, NO EXCUSE for persistent sexual harassment. And I have zero problem letting men (or otherwise) know it.

[e-mily.livejournal.com]

If you come to this comment thread to explain that Asperger's is why you shouldn't have to stop scaring the women you hit on, I hope every boundary-respecting Aspie on my friends list punches you in the mouth.

Some of us will kick them in the teeth, too. Give me and my brain a bad name, will you. Creeper.

Never met anybody that got told "what you are doing is not okay" re: harassment/social interaction that kept doing it that wasn't a massive tool.

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

Some others among us will tell them that we've been there, and that we know that their behavior is making themselves as well as the women around them miserable, and that it not only must stop but CAN stop. They have the power to choose better, and should do so for their own benefit if they don't yet care about anyone else.

We'd tell them, Every one of us was once a toddler who did not yet understand that other people had boundaries and that other people did not exist to nurture and understand them all the time. Most of us grew out of that in due course, some a little later than that, some way later than reasonable people should.

We'd tell them, Just like people with physical disabilities have sucked it up and managed to do things the doctors all told them they'd never be able to do, people with autism and other inner disabilities can make themselves fit to interact with others in a courteous and respectful manner. It is not a crutch.

And we'd tell them this AFTER Emily has made her feelings known in her way, while they're spitting out teeth and wondering why everyone hates them. One of the best aids to changing behavior is learning to associate a world of pain with continuing to do the same old thing, and pleasure with choosing different.

Finally, there are some to whom we'd say, "You're not fooling anyone". Because one of the worst things about enabling "awkward" creepers is that it provides cover for willful, PREDATORY creepers--who definitely seek out social circles that have a lot of "awkward" or emotionally vulnerable people who might make easy targets. If there are circumstances where it is considered OK to violate boundaries, then it is a pretty simple strategy for predators to pretend to be in those circumstances. Therefore, we cannot make those circumstances acceptable. Which of course will seem unfair to "awkward" people who haven't grown up yet, which is why we sometimes say "life isn't fair. Grow up and learn that."