Me.

Maybe I need someone to bitch to.
It's also possible I wouldn't know what to say to anyone. I'd just as soon drown myself as tell anyone what's bothering me, at least for the most part.

( Maybe this will be a clue. )

One unfortunate side-effect of my approach to life. Learning about emotions... well, it's like chickenpox. If you have it when you're younger, it's not as painful. I got a late start.

To the people who know me at college, this is not who I was. To the people who will understand the analogy, I was much closer to Dawn than I'd be comfortable admitting if I weren't so sure in a few hours or so I won't care either way.

It's only in the past year or two that I've really begun to learn about emotion in earnest. Let me tell you, it's very different to experience emotion as one person than it is to divide up the burden.

There's no real going back. I'm human. That's something I'm going to have to deal with, unsettling though it may be. I'm... like you.
I didn't really believe it was possible, but while I still have the words to say it, I'm going to. I'm like you. We're people. All of us. And I'm one of your number now. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I had all the old misconceptions about emotion and attachment that seem so silly to most other people. But now I know. I know what I mean when I reference an emotion. Not just as a matter of words, but there's a good chance I've actually experienced it.

I'll be losing that for a while. But I'll be back. Brian promised me that I won't disappear forever. The next couple of months will be rough. I know it. But it's just possible that I may survive it intact.
We'll find out, neh?

( Read more... )

Brian and I begin and end the year with IM conversations.

I'm getting really tired of how difficult it seems to be to actually RP anywhere. I tried the Islands of Ecestrim RP on the board because I didn't think I was ready for the Gaeran setting just yet, and now no one posts ever. It's a struggle just to get RPers attention, and I have to be the heinous bitch who keeps everyone on task.
Now, this RP isn't working either. I was really looking forward to playing Holly this way, and having Brian be able to play Xevan without playing ten other characters/co-GM at the same time. It was cool. And it doesn't work either.

I just don't know what the point is. I find a hobby I can enjoy on basically every level (I've never done so much artwork before, for example), and it doesn't work. I know it's no one's fault, but I resent it a little.

I'll be spending eight weeks this summer at an NSF-funded archaeological field school. They only chose 14 people, and they picked me.
Also nice is the $300/week stipend. 300x8=2400. That's a lot of money to take off of next year's college costs. That may just save my ass. It might get me ahead enough that if I keep my wits about me, I can stay ahead of my bills.

Fantastic. Also, Strawtown, IN is a hell of a lot closer to Dayton than MI is. Closer to Brian=good.

I am now the proud owner of 5 or 6 stitches in my scalp.
I was dismissed from the hospital at 5.5am, and am no longer bleeding copiously, although my hair still has some blood in it.
I am largely unharmed, and the stitches come out in 7-10 days.

The official story is... I tripped and cracked my head on a chair. When it has healed, then we will tell the rest of the story. I demand secrecy until then. Only then can the world know how hilarious it is. It's funnier with scars than actual present wounds.

I've done my best to contact people from last night to let everyone know that I did have a reason to leave so abruptly. I had to go to the emergency room.

On the upside, my anesthesiologist was an enormous geek of the finest order. When I was being admitted, we made matrix references and a couple or star wars ones too. It made me feel better. Then he walks in with his stuff and asks us if we roleplay. *facefault* He specifically asked if we used any of the White Wolf systems, to which we replied we played D&D. Brian also noted that GURPS tends to be the favorite, however. The man responded, "Ah, now you're speaking my language."

Also, according to Brian, as he moved toward me ominously with his giant anesthesia needle, he pointed it down at me and asked, "Where is the rebel base?"

He also gave me a new title to add to my list. "Ashley The Chairslayer Holmes, we have a room for you."

I'm going to get that chair. That chair is so fucking dead, it doesn't know what kind of horrible crap I'm going to do to it. But it's coming.

On a related note, my mother had to expressly forbid me to go to work because I have a shiny new head injury. I was worried about the forty dollars. I may be a workaholic, but I'm pretty sure I'm not nearly as bad as Gregor Samsa. He was a giant vermin. I think even I would stop worrying about work at that point.

Also, I think Brian has some things he wants to comment on himself, because it has to do with the way the cops responded to him. It was rather unexpected.


That's why Jughead's wearing that crown hat. Because he's king of Archie's world.

Do you want to know how much of a geek I am?


I think I'm going to write up a journal for my RP character (my main one, anyway). This will create a pseudo-narrative-thing for the campaign Brian has been GMing. But mainly, it will allow me to be more of a hopeless geek.

He thinks my icon is.... something. All I know is I enjoy it and he hasn't told me to stop using it. =^.^=

Arch mage144: How would you feel if I did something like that with a picture of you?
Lithaladhwen: Depends.
Lithaladhwen: which picture would you use?
Arch mage144: ...I don't know, this is hypothetical. One that looks good.
Lithaladhwen: Would I be topless?
Arch mage144: I wouldn't share those photos.
Lithaladhwen: As long as you couldn't see anything.... and the photo was flattering... Hell I'd probably use it.
Arch mage144: *thud*
Lithaladhwen: *sparkle*
Arch mage144: You sparkle alright.
Lithaladhwen: If I had a digital camera.....
Lithaladhwen: you'd see.
Arch mage144: ...
Lithaladhwen: I would make such icons..........
Arch mage144: ...is that all you'd do with it?
Lithaladhwen: What I'd do with the camera...
Lithaladhwen: is...
Lithaladhwen: a secret.
Arch mage144: *thud*

The time before I have to go up to my parents' house is always the hardest. All I can think about is how tired I am of being lonely and separated from everything I care about. I hate that I have no choice. I have to go because I need a place to stay this summer.

But I hate it. This is the time before I've resigned myself to it, when I feel most separated from Brian... like a child locked out.

I'll sleep in our bed alone tonight. Then I won't see him tomorrow. Or the day after. I won't be able to call him either, since I don't have a calling card. I technically can't use IM.

I'm tired of being alone. I don't want it anymore. I know once I get up there I'll realize how stupid this all is, how little it all matters. Once I get home I won't be capable of hating anything.

Suffice it to say, I miss Brian and it's only been a few hours. I've gone longer without seeing him when I'm working. But at least then I knew I could go back to my room with him and that everything would be okay as long as he was there to make me happy. Now... I can't see the reason why. I'm leaving him for a week and I don't feel like I have a good reason to be so unhappy again. I don't want to go back.


Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor?


I hate it. I hate being there, and I hate the person I have to be just so that I can stay here. I hate myself when I'm there, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It doesn't do me any good to care.
For the next week, consider me as good as dead.
Have a lovely spring break everyone. I'll see you next Sunday. I'm leaving someone else in my place until then. She can deal with all this foolishness.

Okay, Brian. I'll just wait for you to call me back. I told your mother the third time I called today that she should just tell you I called, since nobody seemed to know when you would be back or anything. I might try you back again tomorrow, I might not. Odds are I won't be able to reach you, so why don't you just drop me a line when you're available or whatever.
If you can't tell, I'm not in the best of moods anyway. At least I'm blogging again, which is good, but for the moment, today is Tuesday, and when Wednesday comes, there will be four more days in which I will not see you. This is some comfort to me, I assure you. I have my classes scheduled, and I got into the ones I wanted. This also is some comfort to me. By all rights, I have had a pretty damn good day. For now, for a little while, I can let go of the stress that has become a part of my life.
That does not however, mean that I have high hopes for tomorrow, or the day after. It will probably consist of my parents' condescending jokes about my inability to reach you. So. I don't want you to huddle over the phone all day waiting for me to call, but every once in a while today it's bothered me that not only have you not been home (which is cool), but nobody knows when you will be (slightly less cool for a seasoned stalker like myself), so I have no way of contacting you.
I'm just bitching. If I had anything else to do, I probably wouldn't write any of this because it will just make you feel bad and that's not what I want. I just want to be able to talk to you at least as much as I talk to your family trying to reach you.

I posted this and emailed you because I didn't know which one you checked.